A Practical Guide to Becoming A Father

Becoming a Father : Things the man should help with / manage

2008-06-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

Ensuring Food Hygiene
Having General Guidelines for Food.
It is worth setting down some guidelines for how you are going to deal with food. Discuss them and agree them with your partner and they will save you both thinking time when doing everyday things like filling the fridge and cooking. A lot of these guidelines will be much the same as the standard hygiene guidelines you would expect to see in a restaurant. They are generally good things to do with your food whether you have a pregnant partner or not. The difference is that while she is pregnant even a slight bug, which might not be noticed in normal life, can have an out of proportion effect upon the foetus.

Why you need to be carefulThe foetus does not develop defences against a lot of things until quite late on in its development. If you take that together with the fact that the placenta does not start filtering a lot of things out until after 12 weeks then it is easy to see that in the first twelve weeks the foetus is pretty much defenceless. After twelve weeks it is better than before twelve weeks, but it still is not going to be as robust as your partner; it is best to avoid anything even vaguely suspect.

Toxoplasmosis is a good example of the sort of problem you are trying to avoid. It has no symptoms in most people who catch it. It is caused by a parasite found mainly in cats and other small animals (see below, your partner should avoid animal excrement). It can be caught by eating improperly cooked meat and unwashed fruit or vegetables and unpasteurised goats cheese. The most common effects of toxoplasmosis on the foetus include brain damage and deformities of the head and eye.

Toxoplasmosis is also illustrative of the fact that care is needed throughout the pregnancy. The earlier the foetus is infected the worse the effects it will suffer. Conversely the later the mother is infected the more often the parasites are transmitted to the foetus. In effect, late or early, there is no good time to get this. Normally it is mild enough that you might not notice, but given the risk of a brain-damaged child for the entirety of its life it is not worth the risk.

Wash everything. Wash fruit and vegetables. Wash farm fresh eggs. Wash the counter top and all surfaces that touch meat and fish. Wash implements between uses, even while cooking the same meal. Wash anything and everything. Everyone knows you should wash fruit and veg before eating them, but normally people in a hurry are not going to bother with that sort of thing, now is the time to bother. You cannot say that because you are not carrying the foetus this does not apply to you. When in doubt Wash it. When not sure what else to do wash your hands.

You have to be setting an example, as your partner is going to be under enough pressure as it is, so help her out here. Wash food for her. If you are preparing food wash your hands after any time you touch uncooked fish or meat, as well as after any time you handle unwashed fruit, vegetables or eggs. When you cut a piece of meat, wash the knife before you accidentally cut something with it that may not be cooked. You are trying to avoid the possibility of cross contamination here. If you lay a piece of meat out on a plate before grilling, do not then put it back on the plate after grilling. The plate has been in contact with the uncooked meat and could be carrying parasites.

You do not want to find any way to pass this on to your partner, so be a bit too picky rather than not picky enough. It is easier to wash something quickly than to spend time deciding whether you need to wash it. Make a little too much washing the norm. If in doubt wash it out.

Take care with uncooked foods.
Ensure raw fish or meat cannot drip onto anything else in the fridge. Wrap fish or meat well so that moving it will not cause contamination. Many fridges have little icons on the side showing what could go where. This is the reason they bother, so that meat and fish are safely at the bottom and not dripping on anything. If you can afford it, it is worth having a chopping board just for meat and another for everything else. Chopping boards are not expensive, but pregnancy is, so if you have to save the money try marking one side of the board for meat and fish, and the other for everything else. Do not forget to wash the board before you turn it over. This is harder than having two boards because you have to be more careful where you place the board when not cutting raw meat, as well as washing it between items which is a nuisance.

Cook meat until there are no pink bits left and the juices run clear when something sharp is poked to the middle. Avoid eating rare or raw meats. Steak tartar and sushi are effectively off the menu until after the baby is born. Take extra care with grilled or barbecued meat as it may be burned on the outside, but still raw on the inside. Using a lower heat will help it cook through, but runs the risk of it not becoming hot enough to kill anything dangerous. When grilling it is often worth cutting the meat in half horizontally once it appears cooked and then cooking the newly exposed layers. This does mean the food is likely to be more cooked than you prefer, but at the same time it is very little extra work and is that bit safer. Also this will give you a better idea of how cooked the food you normally eat is, and so may make future cooking easier.

Activities You May Want To Take Over From Your Partner
Cooking
There is a very good chance that your partner will suffer from morning sickness for at least some of the pregnancy. You can help to alleviate this unpleasantness no matter how severe or how mild it turns out to be. Find out what triggers her to feel bad, and help her to avoid the triggers this will at least help a bit, and may make a major difference.

Often one of the triggers will be seeing or having close contact with some or all foods: if this is the case you have a golden opportunity to kill two birds with one stone; you can help her to feel pampered and cared for at the same time as preventing the food from making her feel ill. Even when food is not a trigger it may be a good idea to take over cooking for a while to prevent accidents due to sudden bouts of unconnected nausea.

An additional benefit of taking over some or all of the cooking is that you can see that the food preparation guidelines discussed elsewhere are followed without making her paranoid and unduly stressed. You should be able to follow the guidelines in a straightforward manner. The same may not be true for her even if you and your partner are both calm sensible people. If you were taking mind altering hormones you might have problems too.

It is worth mentioning at this point that the manner in which you take these sorts of responsibilities matter about as much as actually taking them. Your partner may well be perfectly capable of doing it all without you, so this should be a small piece of loving pampering. On the other hand she may not be capable, in which case the last thing she wants is to be made aware that there is even the possibility of an issue. Tact is needed to make her feel good about the attention she is getting, not to feel pushed around or helpless.

Cleaning Up Dog and Cat Excrement
Animals carry toxoplasmosis which can cause, amongst other things, miscarriages. This can be contracted from pet feces no matter how hygienically the pets are housed and fed. Cleaning up after animals is an unpleasant task, made even more unpleasant for your partner if she is suffering from morning sickness. Unlike the cooking women rarely object to their partners insisting on shielding them from dangers by cleaning up the litter tray.

Problems from toxoplasmosis are most common when it is present during the first three months or so of pregnancy, with problems from later infection being less common. Problems caused can range from miscarriages through eye problems up to still birth. It may not be a pleasant job, but it would not be pleasant for her either, so you really ought to try and do it cheerfully as you think what a lucky child you are going to have.

To prevent you passing on any infections you should remember to wash and dry your hands well after handling pets (or other animals e.g.farm animals).
Gardening

Gardening is one of those things that you may or may not need to take over.
There are good reasons to take over such as:
• Cat faeces in the garden or toxoplasmosis cysts in the dust and soil
• .Listeria in the soil or on the plants.
• Pesticides.

But at the same time it is a relaxing activity that may alleviate her stress. If this is the case then taking it over could actually be a mistake.

There are a few simple rules she should try to follow while gardening, though it is probably better to fail to follow a rule than to become stressed and not enjoy gardening while following the rules to the letter.
• always wear gloves while gardening and avoid touching face, mouth or eyes
• avoid stirring up or breathing in dust from the soil (If it is arid and dusty sprinkle some water to keep the dust down before you start. Plant misters are perfect for this as the fine spray does not make things miuddy.
• wash hands well after gardening (even after wearing gloves).
• Do not move heavy items such as large plant pots, heavy watering cans or soil bags.

In our garden at home, my partner can potter and prune, but she never has to carry heavy watering cans. For less than £100 it was possible to set up a watering system that delivers measured doses of water only when the plants require it. Setting up a probe to see if the soil needs it, the garden computer to control the tap and all the tubes to carry water took less than 3 hours following simple instructions. Best of all, in our area it may be used during a hosepipe ban as it is water efficient .

Strenuous Activities She Is Unused To Doing
A good rule of thumb for other activities is to look at whether it is something she would normally do. If it is there is a reasonable chance it will be okay. She is pregnant, not ill.

Another rule of thumb is if she feels she is having to push herself then it might be better to avoid the activity. She needs to stop when it begins to feel like it might be a strain, and before it becomes too much.

If she normally jogs 5 miles to the shops and 5 miles back with full shopping bags then it is unlikely to cause her major harm to continue providing she does not feel that she is having to push herself. There will be times, particularly between weeks 6 and 12 when she tires easily and has to be very careful. Just to be awkward exercise, in moderation, is actually good for both her and the baby (see the section below on exercise). Also it is worth noting that as the baby goes it takes up space and so her lung capacity goes down. As this happens things which are not a train become impossible simply because she becomes out of breath. Towards the end she will be stopping half way up a short flight of stirs. She will not be tired, but she will be out of breath.

Offer to carry things for her, but do not insist. Offer to do things that may tire her, but do not encourage her to do nothing. Remember she is pregnant not sick. She does not need to be smothered, but at the same time she does need extra care and consideration. It is another of those fine balancing acts that are a large part of what a man needs to do throughout the pregnancy. Listening to her responses and learning from them is the only way to do this, and it is well worth doing.

Her Exercise
As we will see below, exercise is a good thing during pregnancy in many ways. There are a few good ways you can help her with this and several reasons why you would want to help.
Things for you to do:
• Reassure her that exercise will not damage her or the baby, and help her to understand the effects it will have.
• Encourage her when she is exercising and also when she is just thinking about it.
• Help her to schedule time to exercise.
• Check that she does not overdo things or injure herself.
• Ensure she drinks enough water. Hydration is very important to the foetus and to her body

Why she should exercise
Exercise is always important, but it becomes even more important during pregnancy .Exercise provides benefits during the pregnancy, at the birth and even after the child is born. Exercise helps prepare the body for childbirth by strengthening muscles and building endurance, preparing her muscles for the hard work of labour and delivery. Exercise helps lower excess weight and balance insulin and testosterone levels, and so could lower the chance of a miscarriage.

Being active during the pregnancy can reduce the physical discomforts of backache, constipation, fatigue, and swelling. As well it’s physical effects exercise can have good affects on her mind, helping to counteract some of the ‘hormone swing’ side effects. It can improve her mood and self-image, helping her to feel that with all that is happening to her body she is still an attractive sexy woman. Finally it also makes getting back in shape once the baby's born much easier.

So what I am saying here is that exercise without strain can help her pregnancy, prepare her for a good labour, aid postnatal recovery, help her feel good about herself, counteract some of the negative side effects of pregnancy and even help her to get a good night’s sleep. Unless she is one of those people who really cannot cope with moving from in front of the telly she is unlikely to want to turn down the benefits of a more comfortable pregnancy.

Lastly remember that it is very easy for a man to allow himself to put on weight to match his partner. It is not nearly so easy for him to lose it without giving birth or breast feeding. If you exercise together you have a much better chance of avoiding Couvade’s Syndrome.

What needs to be avoided
Staying active during pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean going for the burn. A pregnant woman’s body releases a hormone called relaxin during pregnancy which loosens the joints and allows the ligaments to stretch. This is done both in preparation for delivery and to allow movement of the ribs and back to accommodate the growing child. The relaxin does make over stretching all too easy as well as risking injury from too heavy weights or too much strain. This means you need to watch her technique very carefully as something that is only sloppy normally has potential to cause injury while pregnant. If you are not sure of what to watch for try and arrange a session with someone who does know, maybe a friend or even a personal trainer. Tell them what you are planning and get them to show you what to watch for and which may be the problem areas. If you have a gym membership then go along to that and tell them your concerns; they will generally be quite grateful that you want to lower their insurance risk and will be eager to show you what to do.
She should avoid exercising while flat on her back once she is past the first 10 to 12 weeks. This means no bench pressing or crunches or any exercise that keeps her in that position. Equally she needs to be careful about any exercise that puts strain down her back such as above the head raises of any kind. Her back and her insides are going to be in funny position and doing anything along these lines is asking for an injury to her back, to her internal organs or even to the unborn child.

Care should be taken with activities that could put her at risk of slips and falls, such as cycling, roller-skating, horse riding, and skiing. People who take part in these sports competitively often continue well into their pregnancy, but they continue with care and make sure they understand the changes to their balance so as to minimise the risk. Taking skiing as an example, it is quite difficult to fall in such a way as to damage the baby, but it is very easy to fall so as to damage one’s self. As her balance will be off in several different ways it is advisable to persuade her to stick to runs she would normally consider fairly easy and to ski more slowly and carefully than she normally would. The same is true of any exercise with a risk of falling, slipping or twisting, do it gently, do not try anything difficult and maintain a level where she can relax and enjoy.

One of the major things you can do is to stop her doing too much. Keep her talking while she exercises, and if she starts getting short of breath persuade her to slow down or take a break. Also do not let her go on past the point where she starts tiring. Often you can avoid this happening too fast by changing muscle groups exercised and types of exercise performed. When she starts to tire rather than just to have tired limbs it is time to stop. She will probably not notice, so it is up to you to spot it for her. Agree this with her before hand and look out for it while she works out. She should not "go for the burn" or exercise to exhaustion. Exercise during pregnancy is not about competing, even with herself; it is about gently readying her for what is to come and preparing her body to recover faster.

Arranging your paternity leave and helping with/understanding her maternity leave.

Information about this is mainly under “Reference” below, but you need to talk them through with your/her employer before the birth or practicalities can overtake the law. Things to discuss with your employer include:
• Duration
How long you will be allowed off. Whether or not you will be able to change the time period once you see how everything is going.
• Notice
The baby will comes when it feels like coming, you will not be able to give notice in advance. N.B. This is true even if you have scheduled an elective caesarean.
• Pay

How much will you be paid? Some companies will go for full pay for a period followed by tapering pay followed by unpaid leave, some simply pay the statutory minimum. If you are to budget you need to understand this for both your own and your partner’s job.

Managing her Stress
As with the pre-conception period Stress is a major factor. Unfortunately stress can cause miscarriages and it is to some extent up to you to put yourself out to reduce your partner’s stress levels. The obvious corollary to this is that your stress levels will affect her, so you have to avoid it all becoming too much for you as well.

You will need to allot some time to yourself to relax and do nothing. Make sure you budget for a bit more time than you think you are going to need so that you can drop it and help out if she needs you.

Keep track of how many uninterrupted times you have managed

• Taking away jobs she does not like
• Providing surprise treats
• Checking her real response to what you are doing, understand how she thinks you can lower her stress levels
• Provide her with interesting things to do
• Managing how much you both see the baby as a person. NB this is tricky. You do not want to see it as a real person when it is unlikely to ever become one, but you need to see it as real before birth.
• Shield her from stressful people
• Make sure she feels informed about problems without feeling that she needs to do something. You want her to know that you are handling things well and that all will go well. Do not expect her to trust you on this, you need her to know it is all taken care of.
• Tell her how much you love her. Often.
{ Summary of things to look at/try here}.

Probability Profiles (Or How to Stop Worrying).

Reassurance (Or How to Stop Her Worrying) {Make the following match the bullet points}
• Know your stuff
• Do not give her extra worries
• Seek expert advice without involving your partner
• Find out whether there is a problem immediately
• Distract her from worries
• If she is worrying because she needs more attention then give her the attention in other ways to discourage worrying.

I am afraid there are few shortcuts on this one. Reassuring her is at least in part about actually knowing what you are talking about. You need to understand what could happen and how to spot it, so that when she has a worry you can address it. If you do not know whether something is a problem tell her that you doubt that it is but you will check. Then check as soon as you can. Look things up on the Internet in the early days of pregnancy. Once you have been to see a doctor or a mid-wife they will give you a number to call. Do not be shy about calling it. If anything is wrong they can give you expert advice. If you are concerned do not pass your worries on to your partner, quietly find out if there is anything to worry about before worrying her.

What happens during pregnancy

2008-04-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

Timetable: Significant events you are expected to know about
{Mention for a detailed timetable see reference section}
Missed periods/blood spotting
Scans & blood tests

12 week “dating” scan
Nuchal scan When is it charged and what can you do about it?
20 week scan
Other scans: Some places insist that a scan to determine the sex should be a separate private scan. Sizing scan. Additional scans in case of problems.
The Birth

Visits
Injections
Scans
What are scans and what can we learn from them?
An example scan
For comparison purposes I have included the same scan on the next page without the labelling. See if you can also spot the cheek bones, the shoulders and the beginnings of the ears.
An interesting feature of this particular scan is that the hand is almost straight in front of the umbilical cord which is only not visible because we are looking on the near side of it and it is angled away. When the scan was taking place movement could be seen and this was much more obvious.

Figure 5 Foetus at eleven weeks (unlabeled).
Tests
The standard pregnancy test consists of soaking a stick in urine for about a minute to se if certain hormones can be detected. Generally a blue line is produced if this is the case, though as one line may already be present it could appear as a blue cross. To check your reading of the test is valid there is often a control window which should produce a blue line whether or not hormones are present.

Figure 6 Test showing a positive result.

Blood group id
Rh-factor
Anaemia/complete blood count
Rubella Immunity
Chicken pox
Hep b
Syphilis
HIV
Double test (for Spina bifida, downs syndrome and related problems).
Triple Test
Blood pressure
Screening tests (opt in/opt out)

Copyright 2005-2006 Rufus Evison

Throughout the pregnancy

2008-04-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

IF ANYTHING IN THIS CHAPTER LOOKS INTERESTING LEAVE A COMMENT AND I WILL TAKE MY NOTES AND COMPLETE THE REQUESTED SECTION

Trust your partner. Throughout pregnancy she is going to be closer to feeling what is happening than you can ever be. Remember that and remember how much you love and trust her.

Pregnancy what a man experiencesWorries you may have and how to deal with them.

Supporting your partner and protecting your child.

{This Section will give you a view of what to expect from a pregnancy. It will help to prepare you for the role you will need to play and how to play it. The objective is to discuss your responsibilities, what you will need to change in your way of life, what to look out for, and what to do if difficulties arise.}

Stress
Hers how to avoid it
Stress is a recurring theme throughout this book as it is:
a) Actively harmful to the pregnancy
b) Avoidable.

There is more on stress under lifestyle below as some of the changes you will make to your lifestyle can either increase or decrease your (and her) stress levels depending on how you make them. What we are going to look at here are the changes during pregnancy that can cause stress for your partner, and so cause her to stress you. We are also going to think about ways you can try to alleviate the things she is going through and so create a less stressful environment for both of you.

Causes: Restrictions on what she can do
Causes: unpleasant effects on her body
Cf What to expect while she is pregnant
Causes Worries she may have
Tactics: Things to help her with
Tactics: Pampering
Massage

Yours how to cope

What to expect while she is pregnant

Fat, smelly and beautiful, or what you should expect of a pregnant woman.
There are many significant changes to a woman’s body throughout the pregnancy. Many of them are more properly the subject of books to tell her what to expect. While these may be mentioned in the relevant sections of this book they are not the subject of this chapter. What I am mentioning are things you may notice. These are worth spending some time thinking about for two reasons:

1. So you can consider how you will react and if it is not positive what you should do so as not to hurt your partner.
2. So you know what you are getting yourself (and your partner) into before you begin.

Sleeping
Farting
Acne
Hairiness
Weight gain (well duh!)
Cravings: real or imaginary
Anti-cravings
Giraffes (or not all cravings are for foods)
Memory problems/forgetting what she promised to get you.
Changes in sense of smell (more or less sensitive both possible)
Indigestion and toilet problems including waking you every hour as she goes to pee, or making the toilet awful when she finally gets past a week of constipation. NB meshes with a nausea that means you may be cleaning up, and can coincide with incontinence.
Bleeding gums leaving the shared toothbrush a funny colour.
Tendency to thrush and similar conditions.
Bigger breasts (covered with veins)
Stretch marks
Emotional outpourings
Excessive tiredness which looks like (but is not) laziness

Copyright 2005-2006 Rufus Evison

2008-04-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

It should be noted that this book is a work in progress. The reason I am publishing it in this way is that it has not been progressing so i am trying to add some momentum. As such I would greatly appreciate any comments people can supply. In the munuscript below the {} mean that this needs to be filled in. I have notes on everything in the document but have not been collating them and adding them. In some cases I will need to go back to the original research and re-read it as it has been a while. All of the following is useful information so if you know anyone who is trying, or thinking of trying do recommend that they visit thsi blog and have a look. If there is something they (or you) wish to know add a comment and I will either publish the bit with it in or find out for you as appropriate.

Rufus Evison

Lifestyle

Stress
{Why stress matters, effects on sperm count, hormone levels etc.}
{A short few paragraphs about a positive attitude to enjoying creating a child}
{A little on how to de-stress without stressing your partner. }
{Book recommendations on stress.}

Her stress matters too!

Telling People
As I have explained, one of the major factors affecting the ability to conceive is stress. To know that everyone knows you are trying and that they are all waiting to see what happens, how you do and how long it takes can be stressful. Personally I recommend you avoid that stress by not telling people you are trying.

For the first three months I would even say do not even admit to yourselves that you are trying. Do not do any of the things recommended in the section about sex, do not get too uptight about any of the other suggestions. Generally relax. After three months you can start looking at gently introducing a little method into your behaviour, but avoid at all costs spoiling sex by making the purpose of it procreation to the exclusion of all else. If sex is recreation you are much more likely to produce a conception than if everything is cold, clinical and planned.

Once you have been without contraception for three months your partners hormones should have settled down, and you can think about trying, but that does not mean it is time to tell people. Far from it. The standard advice from the medical profession is not to tell people you are pregnant until you are three months pregnant. Until you can tell them that there is no real reason to tell them anything that can set their expectations and so apply stress to you as a couple.

Trying for a baby is exciting, and you will naturally want to shout it to the world. Also you may well be looking for advice and reassurance. It is possible to do this without adding stress to your lives and without being deceitful. Tell people that you are thinking about trying.

If you are at the stage of not yet doing all the different things in this book, and are not having IVF then you could say that you are not yet really trying; you are just providing an opportunity for nature to take its course. This is a positive and non-pressuring way of looking at things as well as being an attitude that allows you to ask advice from people with children. It is a natural thing to do if you are thinking about trying. It is even something that I would suggest you should do while you are still on contraceptives.

Often things work best when they feel right and natural. This is true of sports, for example golf swings, it is true of love matches and it is true of creating children. Relax into your role as someone who will try if they need to but at the moment is just letting their life flow towards having children. Explore the new ideas in discussion with your partner, your friends and your family. Let it happen and do not start trying until you have no choice.

When you reach three months and feel safe telling people about the baby they will not be surprised as you will have talked to them about it in the abstract. At the same time if you go a year or two without moving on to actually having children they will not be surprised as you have not set any sort of time line in their heads. This is open and honest, yet at the same time non-stressful without expectations you feel you have to fulfil.

It is even reasonable for both you and her to change your diet, cut down on alcohol and all those sort of things while you are on contraception to give the child a good chance. Folic acid for instance both of you should take 3 months (in your case 100 days) before there is a possibility of conception. People will probably understand that if they happen to notice. Certainly if you have been discussing things with them you will have had an opportunity to bring it up.

If you are reading this through before you have decided to try then I would suggest looking at your diet or taking supplements now, as it will do you good whether or not you decide to have children yet. Feel free to point out this recommendation to people who may otherwise assume that you are already trying despite your protestations.

Every-day causes of every day stress that you can avoid for her.
Everyday ways to lower her stress levels.

Paying attention
There is a fine line to walk here between on the one hand bugging her, and on the other hand seeming uninterested. On that line is paying attention, and be warned the line wiggles. I will be making things harder by giving you more things to watch without bugging her to find out.

Romance
She is going to need continual reassurance that you love her and romance is a good way to do this, providing it is not totally out of character for you.

{little gifts e.g. soft toy, T-shirt with scan print on, jewellery, random flowers, a single chocolate hand wrapped, a note waiting where she would not expect it}

Environmental factors
The three things which lower the sperm count are:
1. heat
2. tightness
3. electrostatics

Clothing
There is a study which illustrates how extreme some of the effects clothing can get.
{Details of study. Things to check in terms of your current wardrobe. Places that sell good garments. Include underwear and artificial fibres on trousers and similar. }
Scuba Diving
Hot Baths
Hot working environment

Fitness, anorexia and obesityAnorexic, bulimic or just plain thin?
{Underweight effects}
{Ways to gain weight}
Periods, thinness and long term effects

Are you obese?
What is your BMI?
{overweight effects}

Are you unfit?
Exercise is good for both of you. Exercise together to help encourage her, prevent injuries, etc. Make sure she does not strain herself, over-exert or anything like that. Very easy to do have your altered posture cause injury as bones are rearranging themselves.

{Relaxin.}

Encourage her to stay active as better for the birth as well as better for her.
BMI, fat measuring weighing machines and callipers
Too much exercise, hormones and conception
Steroids

A word of warning, the BMI can be quite misleading. It does not take into account differing levels of fitness or how fat you are versus how muscular you are. Body builders who typically have very low levels of body fat appear to be obese if the measure used is the BMI.

Underweight men who had a BMI under 20 also suffered from similar reductions in sperm counts.

"Body mass within the ideal "normal" range was associated with higher sperm concentration, higher total sperm count, and a lower percentage of abnormal sperm," write researcher Tina Kold Jensen, MD, PhD, of the University of Southern Denmark, and colleagues.

Researchers say these findings may have important implications for the future procreation potential of men worldwide in light of rising obesity rates.
The study also showed that as men's weight increased blood testosterone levels decreased.

We are still waiting to see if the current obesity ‘epidemic’ leads to a parallel infertility epidemic due to poor quality sperm.

For example, men with a high or low BMI were more likely than normal-weight men to have a sperm count below 20 million per millilitre of semen, which is abnormally low.
Overweight men -- those with a BMI over 25 -- had a 24 percent lower sperm count compared with average-weight men.

Smoking, drinking and drugs

Illegal Drugs to Avoid
Obviously I have to advise against all illegal drugs as they are generally illegal because they are damaging in some way. The further from peak condition your body and mind are, the harder it is to have a baby, or to be in the right state to look after it. If you have been thinking about giving up then having a child can be the incentive you need to make it happen.

In either case, what follows is some information about the particular illegal drugs that prevalent research seems to show to have negative effects relevant to creating a baby. I have described the problems that there is some research to support. Most of the research only covers women taking drugs during pregnancy, where this is the case I have not included warnings on the man taking drugs prior to conception. This does not mean there are no effects from you taking things prior to conception, nor does it mean it is safe for you to take the drugs during the pregnancy. All it means is I have not seen research to prove quite how bad it is likely to be.

The research I have seen has tried to control for confounding factors, but this may not always have been possible. One problem is that known drug users often introduce other problems that affect the child. It is not always possible to separate the effects of the prenatal dose from the post natal factors of living with parents who use drugs. That said the research does vary across a widely ranging set of populations and does appear to be meaningful.

Another problem of drug use is that the partners of drug users often use themselves, and find it much harder to stop on their own. Unless you stop, your partner will probably not stop either, and may hide their use from you. I have included under each drug some information about the effects of women’s drug use during pregnancy. A foetus is vulnerable enough that having a rare steak for dinner could have a drastic effect, so it is no surprise that effects of women’s use during pregnancy can make fairly distressing reading.

Any drug that can be consumed by smoking carries the dangers of passive smoking. Passive smoking is not just from the smoke being inhaled. It has been shown that infants suffer from the smoke absorbed into clothes, furniture etcetera and need a smoke free environment. The same is presumably true for partners carrying babies. So in summary:

• Drugs you take can lower your chances of causing a conception.
• Drugs you take before conception can affect child health after birth including
o Lower birth rate
o Deformities
o Child cancer
o Learning difficulties
• If you use drugs then your partner may use them during pregnancy leading to an even higher chance of:
o Miscarriage
o Birth defects
o Child cancer
o Child learning difficulties at a later age.
• Drugs you take after conception can passively affect your partner and cause all of the above.

Marijuana
Some statistics on how large a proportion of the populations uses Marijuana.
Marijuana can affect the brain chemistry responsible for releasing reproductive hormones. Marijuana decreases testosterone, sperm count, and potency. A father's drug use can also cause birth defects, particularly higher rates of heart abnormalities.

More, if you smoke then how can you tell your partner to stop? Women who smoke marijuana have increased risk of abnormal ovulation and are less fertile. Scarily this can be affected by past use, though it is worst when taken within a year before you start trying. The risk does not really change much with how often you use, nor with how long you use for. Even occasional use of small amounts of marijuana can decrease women's fertility.

Leaving aside risks to conception, women who smoke marijuana have higher rates of miscarriage, pregnancy problems, and difficulties with labour and delivery. Birth defects are associated with marijuana use.

A mothers' use of cannabis is associated with increased rates of various childhood cancers. The newborn babies can experience some withdrawal symptoms and other effects on their nervous system. Some of the other effects are not so obvious in newborns. These include neurological delays in the brain. These affect the so called ‘higher functions’ which cannot really be measured until the child starts to grow up. They tend to exhibit as poor memory, low attention span, poor reasoning and analysis, poor reading and language learning and various other learning disabilities at ages anywhere from 4 years to fully grown. All in all it is not a nice thing to arrange for your unborn child, and even if your partner gives up the second hand consumption from your clothes and body could have an effect.

Only one study showed Marijuana to have a positive effect. That one was taken in Jamaica where there was a possibility of cross contamination (some of the non-users turned out to be drinking marijuana teas regularly and were removed from the non-user category, others may have been using intermittently in a social context). The positive effects were all found at an early age (one month or less) where higher functions cannot be measured and docility is considered a good thing.

Cocaine
{}
Heroine

Speed
{}

(c) Rufus Evison 2005-2008

Becoming a father Chapter 5 - Sex: timing, effectiveness and gender

2008-04-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

This chapter is going to cover the mechanics of sex and fertility as well as how they affect both the chances of conception and the potential gender of the baby. Clearly if the act of sex affects both of these things then there is going to be overlap if I try to separate them completely. This means that while there are bits specific to how effective at producing conception sex is and specific bits on gender selection there are also bits such as the female orgasm that affect both. Because it is not clear until you have read them what the subtle effects are I would suggest reading through the whole chapter before going back and looking properly at the bits that interest you.

Effective Sex
The first thing to be said on this is that if you turned here first you are already in trouble. Stress is very counter-productive, and if you are too hung up about the effectiveness of your sex you will be stressed, which is not good.

Having said that, there are things related to sex that can stop it resulting in conception. You should know about these things as this can stop you consistently falling into unexpected traps.

The most important thing to ensure your sex is effective is timing. Unlike a man, a woman is only fertile for part of her monthly cycle; this limits when sex can cause conception. Sperm can survive for up to 7 days in perfect conditions. In practice most sperm die within 24-48 hours. The timing section below will explain how long either side of ovulation is practical for conception. There are ovulation tests available to check that ovulation is occurring when you think it is. Conveniently enough a woman experiences a large surge of hormones just before ovulation. These hormones show up in the urine so, just like the pregnancy test, peeing on a stick is the way these tests work. This is hormonal rush provides a heads up that it is time to start having sex. There are many kits and books that will tell you the exact time of ovulation, but in my opinion the stress of trying to work to a strict timetable is sufficiently counter-productive to make a rough knowledge of the day preferable.
Remember, the rhythm method is a form of contraception based on timing your sex to avoid fertile periods. It is not 100 % effective, but it has worked for millions of people for hundreds of years, so the time of the month when you have sex is probably the most significant factor over which you have control.

Just as conception is unlikely to occur unless you ejaculate it is less likely if the woman does not orgasm than if she does. This is because the muscular contractions that take place during orgasm help move the sperm towards the egg.

As female orgasms are a factor in effective sex it is important that the sex is enjoyable. One problem often encountered by couples trying for a child is that they become too obsessed with timing, fertile periods, nutrition and all the other things which can effect conception and become stressed. This stress in itself will affect a woman’s ability to conceive, but worse than that it can effect the enjoyment of sex. Couples report it becoming “automatic”, “clinical” or “just not sexy”, and unsurprisingly the female partner is less likely to orgasm under these circumstances.
Different positions can also affect the chances of conception. The further into the vagina the sperm are deposited the less distance they have to swim. Not only that, the vagina is the least friendly environment that the sperm will have to swim through, so minimizing that part of the swimming distance can have a disproportionate effect on the chances of success. Similar effects can be produced by the position assumed after sex, as this can allow gravity to work in favour of the swimming sperm. This is why some films have women posed on their backs with their legs in the air after sex when trying to conceive.

The sperm count of a man can be affected by the frequency with which you have sex. Abstention for a set time before the fertile period can alter the chances of conception, as can changing the frequency with which you have sex during the fertile part of your partner’s cycle. It used to be that they reccomended abstinence for ten days before ovulation. This is not longer considered to have a significantly different effect to two days of abstinence.

Timing
Sperm levels are highest in the morning. This may be related to an some men’s desire being heightened in the mornings. The sperm levels, to some extent, drop off throughout the day. If you want to take advantage of this then have sex as soon after waking as you feel comfortable with, so mornings or early afternoons might be good.

As was made apparent in the previous section there is only an egg available for a few days each month. Ovulation is generally about two weeks before the first day of her next period. This means that if she has regular cycles you can assume ovulation will be about 14 days before that. If her cycle is not regular (and one in five are not) then start by guessing and if things are taking a while (a few months) check your guess by persuading her to use a test (clearblue?). If her cycles are particularly irregular it is worth using some sort of check on a regular basis to ensure you do not miss the window.

It is worth noting at this point that ovulation test kits do not test for ovulation. They test for the rush of hormones preceding ovulation. This rush can occur even if ovulation does not. In the event of a significant amount of time with no success at conception it is worth having a check that she is ovulating. This is usually done through your medical practitioner. The good news is that if this is the problem then in many cases there is a simple injection that can fix things by jumpstarting ovulation. This is particularly frequently the case for second or later pregnancies.
It is also possible to check for ovulation using the temperature profile of the woman. {more on how this is done, the timing of ovulation and different techniques for estimating and checking}

Once you know when ovulation is occurring you need to work out when her fertile period is. This is generally from 4-5 days before ovulation through to 1-2 days after. Male sperm survive longer than female sperm once they are out of the acid environment of the vagina so having sex at the start of this period creates a slight bias towards male children; the day either side of ovulation creates a slight bias towards female children. You can buy programs to tell you that her most fertile period is the days mentioned above, but as you have now read this it is probably not worth the bother.

The rhythm method of contraception:{To be completed}

Further background Information
The menstrual cycle of a woman determines when she is fertile. Cycles vary in length from around 20 days to over 35 days. Changes in the cycle of up to around a week are fairly common. Unless a woman is on the pill her cycle is not likely to be completely regular.
Signs that she is entering her fertile period can include:
• The cervix becomes higher and softer and open (you can feel this with your fingers)
• Cervical mucus produced in the cervix changes to an environment that is better for the sperm. This can be observed in the texture and taste.
• Increased fluid ; up to 10x increase in mucus volume can be seen.
• Highly-fertile mucus is nearly all water – This gives a transparent, glistening, slippery, stretchy - spinnbarkeit effect.
• The structure of fertile mucus includes a particularly loose network to help the sperm get though. Again can be discerned through the texture.
• Increased salts, sugar and amino-acids to nourish sperm, again noticeable as it affects the taste.

The female orgasm
One thing that is often important is lack of stress. Many couples become pregnant shortly after they give up and stop trying. When applying for IVF the time while you wait for treatment is one of the most likely times for conception.
You are more likely to cause conception if your partner has an orgasm after you have ejaculated. This is because the vaginal contractions that take place during the female orgasm act as a pump to move sperm from the acid vagina to the relative safety of the uterus. More female orgasms mean more pumping of sperm, mean more chance of conception.

There is a theory to suggest that that multiple groups of multiple orgasms throughout the days following the fertilisation of the egg by a sperm can cause sufficient movement within the uterus as to lower the chances of successful embedding by the fertilised egg. I have been able to find no research to either confirm or deny this.

Some women come more violently on their second or third orgasms than on their first, others find each orgasm weaker than the preceding one. For those in the latter category the effect on the chances of conception will be lowered if her first orgasm is before yours. If she is likely to feel like stopping after she has had an orgasm, then make sure you save her orgasm until after yours.

As well as affecting the probability of conception the female orgasm, or lack of female orgasm will affect the gender distribution. For more details see ‘gender selection’ below.

Technique
Given the advantage if your partner orgasms after you have, it is worth talking briefly about some ways to achieve this. There are suggestions that men have a tendency to roll over and go to sleep after they have ejaculated. In terms of conception this is not optimal. While we all know that in actual fact there are really only about 10 men who ever did that, and they are reformed characters now, it is still interesting to find out how other people have sex, so below are a few suggestions. Another thought you might want to consider is that what you do and how you do it will be more restricted during pregnancy, so taking advantage of your relative freedom at this point may be a good idea.

It is also worth noting that your ejaculate (the combination of sperm and seminal fluid you produce) will change consistency a short while after you ejaculate. This is useful in adding to the motility of the sperm. It is best if you have a rough idea how quickly this will take place. This varies from man to man, and also depends to some extent on your diet and how hydrated you are. In practice we are going to have to assume your diet and level of hydration are pretty much constant, so that we can gauge how long it is in your case. You will then want to see if you can induce an orgasm just after the sperm has de-jelled.

To test this you want to ejaculate onto a non porous surface of about body temperature. A hot water bottle or a plastic sheet you have been lying on would be perfect. If your sperm takes longer than 15-30 minutes to liquefy then do not worry about trying to time things to match, as it will just detract from the sex and add to stress. If your sperm takes more than 120 minutes then you have an agglutination problem and may need to look to your diet or consult a qualified doctor. Anything up to 60 minutes is considered normal. Most common times are on the order of five minute, but the spread is really quite large which is why this is actually worth checking. On the subject of which you might as well do this when it is not going to affect fertility, so a week or more from ovulation. This could be viewed as a good excuse to persuade her to make you come.

Tongues
One of the more sort after sexual acts amongst women is, apparently, for the man to go down on her. How much women actually want this is culturally biased as well as varying significantly on an individual basis. Like everything else in this section it is worth discussing with your partner to see what she would enjoy most. If she does enjoy it then it is worth bearing in mind as an eminently practical way of allowing her to orgasm after you have.

Fingers
It may seem obvious, but you both have fingers and they are one of the most sensitive and agile parts of your bodies. Her using her fingers to ensure she has an orgasm just after yours is a very satisfying way to achieve good timing. You doing the same for her after you have come can provide her with some excitement and variety and is another worthwhile alternative to relying on friction and motion from the penis.

Vibrators
Contrary to popular myth a vibrator is not just a dildo that makes a funny noise. In pornography you will generally find that the purpose of a vibrator is to be inserted into the vagina and there to be used as a penis replacement; that is to say they are used as a dildo. In practice this is not how vibrators are used except by the very inexperienced. Certainly some people will use a vibrator as a dildo when they do not have a dildo and something else is doing the job of the vibrator. Also this use does look sexy (that being why it appears so frequently in pornography) so using it this way for you watch is quite reasonable.

In general use however the vibrator is there to apply vibrations to the clitoris where all the nerve endings are and not to the vagina where they are not. A vibrator can be used, by either of you, while you are making love. If the purpose is to ensure the female orgasm then it would be applied to her and the position that you used would need to take account of this. Best access is generally provided either during sex where you are behind her or where you are kneeling up between her legs as she lies down. Either of these positions provides fairly deep penetration, though the rear entry has the edge. That said you have more control over depth of entry when you can see what is going on so either of these is preferable to the missionary position in terms of gender selection. If you are trying for girl you might want to delay her orgasm for a while after you come, so a vibrator is good for her to make herself come while you watch after a pause.

Fantasy
Fantasy is strong element in all sex, whether through investing significance in what is going on or through imagining something else entirely is happening. As a couple it is worth talking through what your sexual fantasies are and what you would enjoy most. This will give you a whole range of things to play with, metaphorically speaking. If you can fulfil a few fantasies then you will probably create that much stronger orgasms. Some couples even find fantasising about the fact that they are creating a baby and bringing into existence new life a trun on.

Caressing, stroking, kissing and other ‘foreplay’.
{to be completed}

Other toys:
Benoit balls (not a good idea?), Penis rings, tens devices, S/D, textured gloves, etc.
{insert notes on foreplay, after-play and producing orgasms after the so called main events.}
Foreplay: Kissing, stroking, cuddling, setting the mood, oral sex, role playing and fantasy fulfilment, talking dirty.
Pornography, a personal taste.
After-play: Vibrators, oral sex, manual stimulation by him, manual stimulation by her, breasts, maintaining the mood, cuddling, kissing.
Vibrators: The different types, how to use, when to use, why to use, a toy for both of you. Worth noting that mains powered ones can bring about male orgasm as well as female orgasm. Mention of the rabbit vibrator and it’s plus and minus points fro conception. Also mention hygene.

Frequency
Effects of frequency on sperm count and on probabilities of different genders.

Sexual positions
Affects on probability of conception and on gender distribution.

As described above, sperm swim at only 3mm an hour and cannot survive long in the acid conditions of the vagina. Girl sperm can survive for significantly longer in this environment than boy sperm.

Gender Selection
Warning Words
Selecting for gender often lowers the chance of conception
There are differences between boy sperm and girl sperm, and these allow us to change the chances each have of surviving. Outside of a medical procedure pretty much all the things we can do to alter the chances of a particular gender involve making the other gender less likely to survive. This means that many of the ways of trying to produce a particular gender reduce your overall chances of conception. Ther are exceptions, and in fact many of the things you can do to increase your chances of conception will, in themselves bias the gender distribution at least a bit.

Beware of anecdotal evidence
The fact that we start with around a 50/50 chance of either sex has led to a wonderful confidence trick:

• Offer a 100% money back guarantee.
• Provide none some or all of the suggestions below as being proprietary.
• Do no work and keep about 50% of the money you are given.

The original version of this used a “potion” made simply of water. The later more sophisticated version used injections of saline solution. Clearly neither had any effect on the gender of the child, but it did not matter.

Clinics using the salt water injection had a whole set of satisfied customers willing to testify to how well it had worked for them. The ones who did not get what they want were given their money back and so kept quiet as they did not feel they had a cause for complaint.

Some of the confidence tricksters out there now get a better than 50% chance of keeping the money they are paid as they get you to do the things below to lower your chances of conceiving the unwanted gender. Some of them even believe in their proprietary products. So far I have not found any that can offer an independent study that shows a better success rate than someone using the tricks below. If you do, please feel free to get in touch with me and let me know. If on the other hand you use one and it works do not bother to let me know, as at least half of their customers will be in the same boat as you.

Gender Selection Overview
Back to the factors that really have an effect on the gender of the child. There are a lot of old wives tales about selecting the sex of your child by how and when you have sex. Interestingly many of these tales turn out to have some basis in fact.
It is easy to dismiss all of them by bringing up counter examples, where people followed all the advice to select a child’s sex and it did not work. This is because we are dealing with millions of sperm which means that no matter what you do there is a chance that an unexpected sperm can sneak around and surprise you. In effect we are dealing with probabilities, and while we can stack the odds by being careful with our sex we cannot fix the race.

If you absolutely have to select the sex of your child, for reasons related to genetic diseases for instance, the only way to do it is through artificial insemination where they can select individual sperm and individual eggs. Doing this because of simple preference is not a good idea as cultures tend to have a gender bias.

An example of this took place in Asia, where most couples wanted boys. Through a variety of means from abandonment and infanticide through to genetic selections, people managed to select for male children. Suddenly there was a shift in the population bias so that hundreds of thousands of male children had no realistic potential partners as there were not enough girl children to go around. That said in some parts of Asia the government is making progress at rectifying the situation.
In China's Huaiyuan County, a pilot program gives parents of girls tax breaks and $240 in cash. As their local official says, after two years of this campaign, they have achieved remarkable results. The sex ratio in Huaiyuan has changed from 160 boys for every 100 girls to 120 boys for every 100 girls born there.

The 1990 Human Fertilisation & Embryology Act allows sex selection only for couples carrying a genetic disease which would be passed on to their children, and not for social reasons. None the less I am going to detail the things that can affect the gender of the child. This is not illegal as the act is referring to the medical arena, not to things you do as part of your sex lives at home. You can use the following tips to try to stack the odds a bit if you want, or equally you can look back at what happened and try to guess the sex of the child before the scan makes it possible to tell, or the birth shows you the reality.

In all of the following when I refer to “boy sperm” I mean sperm, which if they successfully fertilise an egg will probably produce a male child, and when I refer to “girl sperm” I mean ones which will produce a female child.

Keep an eye on the weather and wait for a cold snap. Research found that more boys are conceived after heatwaves and more girls after cold snaps. Sex ratio seemed to correlate with temperature about one month before conception. Hot summers or unseasonably warm patches were followed by the birth of more boys, while unusually cold weather favoured girls. This may be because of the effect of temperature on maturing sperm in the testes, with sperm carrying a female X chromosome more sensitive to heat. Equally there could be some non-causal link.

Missionary for a girl, doggy style for a boy due to the acid swimming distance.
Finally, in trying for a boy, ‘How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby_, by Dr. Landrum B. Shettles, MD, and David M. Rorvik. Published by Doubleday & Co.; copyright 1984.’ recommends a nice cup of caffeinated coffee for the man, right before sex -- he isn't clear on how or why this works, but apparently it gives the Y-sperms a jolt!
Scuba diving biases towards girls

http://www.obgyn.net/english/pubs/features/presentations/hennawy02/choosingsex.ppt has a whole lot of myths, most with no validity at all, but I found it funny.

Old wives tale: In a couple if the woman comes first a girl child is more likely, if the man comes first a male child is more likely.

It looks ridiculous at first glance, but there is a basis in fact here. If the woman does not come with or after the man then no pumping of sperm will take place. As well as lowering the overall chances of conception this will bias things against the boy sperm because they are less likely to survive a swim though an acid vagina.

Extreme measures for gender selection
Some American books and articles I have come across recommend using douches to select gender. Acid douches make girls more likely; alkali douches make boys more probable. So a lemon juice and water mix would kill a load of the boy sperm giving the girl sperm a competitive advantage.

Bicarbonate douches (alkali) can help to improve the chance of conceiving for a few people with unexplained infertility. But there's no evidence that it affects the sex of the baby, and douching may also be harmful.

A pure lemon juice douche would cause pain and kill off any chance of actually having sex that night, so be aware extreme measures are not necessarily a good idea. I have to say that the idea of douching with water and bicarbonate of soda for a boy also seems a bit too far to me anyway, and I am not really in favour. That said it is as well to know what could be done, even if you are too sensible to actually do it.

Inertial separation of sperm into dizzy girl sperm and dizzy boy sperm through size (girl sperm are bigger). This is a recognised successful mehod but is usually only available through expensive clinics.

Anal sex
As I mentioned under Nutrition above, around 8% of couples of who use anal sex as a method of birth control have pregnancies each year. It used to be said that sperm can sometimes penetrate the membrane between the anus and the vagina after being deposited during anal sex. The current theory is that these are “splash conceptions” where the sperm actually find their way around to the vaginal opening from the anus.
A pregnancy conceived by anal sex carries a significant risk of the bacteria associated with feces being sealed in with the developing embryo. During the first months a foetus does not have an immune system and bacteria can cause severe disabilities. Even apart from the odds against conception, the risks mean this is not a good way to conceive. If you are trying to conceive I would suggest avoiding anal sex for the duration.

If you do practice anal sex whilst trying for a baby at the very least wash the penis after engaging in anal sex and before inserting into the vagina, otherwise, the risk of bacterial transmission from anus to vagina is extremely high.

Becoming a father : Reference Section

2008-03-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

Summary of Nutrient Sources
The government recommendation is to eat five to nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day. Looking at the lists below this makes sense, though it is important to make sure it includes leafy green vegetables like spinach.
It is also important to east a fair amount of meat and fatty fish. This is clearly not an option for vegetarians, so they need to pay particular attention to making sure they get all the nutrients they need. It is possible to get all the nutrients on a vegetarian diet, though some are rather harder to absorb from vegetable sources. Also it is worth noting that unless they specifically say they are vegetarian many of the supplements are made with animal products.
Essentially what is required is not just a healthy diet, but also a varied diet. That said stress is not a good idea, so it may be worth considering supplements (see the next section). You will still want to try and eat a healthy selection of all the sources below, but supplements will help to prevent the need to worry about food. Food should be enjoyed, and with a healthy diet that can be very easy.

Folic Acid
Folate is commonly found in leafy greens, orange juice, legumes and fortified grain products. Spinach is a particularly good source.

EFAs
The best sources of EFAs within a healthy diet are:
• Fatty fish (herring, sardines, halibut, mackerel and blue fin tuna),
• Wild game (buffalo and venison)
• Vegetarian sources include canola oil, flaxseed, flaxseed oil, walnuts, and leafy green vegetables such as spinach
• Alternative sources include omega-3 enriched eggs and milk as well as enhanced breads

Vitamin B12
Liver, kidney, yogurt, dairy products, fish, clams, oysters, non-fat dried milk, salmon, sardines.

Vitamin C
Citrus fruits (especially kiwi fruit), berries, tomatoes, cauliflower, potatoes, green leafy vegetables, peppers.

Vitamin D
Milk, Salmon,

Vitamin E
Wheat germ oil, almonds, sunflower seeds and sunflower oil and to a lesser extent spinach and broccoli.

Calcium
Low-fat milk, yoghurt,

Selenium
Some good sources of selenium include red meat, tuna, chicken, and enriched pasta and whole grain breads.

Zinc• Meats (especially liver)
• Seafood (particularly Herring)
• Vegetarian sources include eggs, nuts, peas and beans

Pregnancy timetable
Baby Development from Period to Birth
A pregnancy lasts 266 days, though it is usually counted as 280 days as it is usual to count from the first day of the last period. It is important to understand that the following timetable is pretty approximate. Some things babies do during their development have fairly fixed occurrence dates, but that does not mean that the symptoms these produce will let themselves be bound by any schedule.

This is a guide to give you an understanding of what is going on, but if your partner gets sore breasts from week 3 this means she has sore breasts from week three. Do not try to read too much into it, just try and be supportive, making her feel loved and cherished.

Your partner will know what she is feeling where a guide can only tell you what she might be feeling. This is the person you have chosen to have a baby with, so listen to what she tells you and try to help where you can.

Weeks 1-4 Fertilisation and embedding in uterus. If you are watching carefully you may even be able to spot a fertilised egg at this stage (by the change in consistency of her vaginal secretions), but until it is a bit more firmly rooted in reality it is just as well to take this as a sign that whatever you are doing to conceive is the right thing, and not as a sign that you have caused conception. Your partner may experience some implantation bleeding 6-12 days after conception. Having said that she might get some bleeding from the embryo failing to implant too, so do not read too much into anything at this stage.

It is also worth noting that the first few weeks of a pregnancy do not actually involve your partner being pregnant. While taking vitamin supplements, not smoking and not drinking are still important there is no egg or sperm involved to start with, simply because it makes for easier timekeeping.

Week 5 Missed period. This is the time for a pregnancy test or two. If the first one is negative leave it a few days or even a week before trying the second if a period still does not turn up.

Week 6 The embryo is now officially a foetus. At this point it will be about the size of a baked bean. Spine and nervous system start to form. Time to see a GP or midwife. While you are there it is worth getting form FW8 which entitles your partner to free prescriptions. They will also give you a folder that needs to be taken to all appointments with your partner and a bunch of free stuff to advertise various baby related products.

Week 7 Lungs, jaw, nose, heart and palate have begun to form. The heart may even be detectable.

Morning sickness may start. Saying this in any one week is a bit silly. About 50%-80% of women get morning sickness and it can start anywhere from week 3 onwards. It can range in severity from a mild nausea (at any time of day) to full-on throwing up all day every day.

If it gets really bad contact the doctor. This is one of the times when you need to be in the forefront as many doctors will not realise how bad it is from listening to the woman concerned. If she is really not keeping enough food down it can be an issue and you will need to persuade the doctor that this is the case. Having said that, it may feel pretty awful from her point of view even if it does not look too bad. Try to be objective and if you feel she needs help go along and make sure she gets it. Arguing your case when feeling sick is not easy.

If she is not bad enough to need medical help (and few people are) then try taking over in the kitchen. If food makes her feel ill try to confine the times she has to deal with it to the minimum required for eating. She may find certain things make her feel better or worse. Find out what they are and try to help.

NB (note to self) following needs completing and ordering

8 First scan if history of miscarriages or if bleeding/spotting has been occurring.

9 about 50 mm long. Most major organs exist. Eyes and ears starting to form.

10-13 Dating scan.

11 Foetus looks real now. Umbilical cord now fully formed and supplying nourishment and removing wastes.

12 Risk of miscarriage now low and traditional time to tell people. Most likely week for dating scan.

13 Uterus starts coming up from behind pelvic bone, pregnancy more noticeable.

14 Sometimes referred to as 1/3rd of the way through though it makes little sense.

15 Blood tests for downs takes place somewhere between week 14 and week 16.

16 Toe and finger nails formed also eyelashes and eye brows. Around now the protective body hair coating that protects the baby in utero is formed.

17 Uterus still rising, and pregnancy more noticeable to people who did not know already. Baby able to hear external noises.

18 Foetus now big enough (110 mm or so) that movement can be felt. Actually this is a bit of a myth, mothers can usually start to feel their first baby anywhere from 16 weeks through to 20 weeks, and even then we are only talking ‘usually’. There is no hard and fast timetable for this one, you will just have to take your partner’s word. Some people claim that additional fat can make you less sensitive, but some mothers claim the reverse. It seems likely that skinnier women have a better chance of feeling it early, though one extremely skinny woman managed to go all the way to term without realising she was pregnant, so it can work either way.

19 Baby growing fast. It will finish the week at nearly 1/3rd of a kilo and around 200 mm. Tooth buds have formed inside gums.

20 Time for the next scan. This one may show the sex of the foetus if he opens his legs. It can also show the sex if she opens her legs, but if she is female it is a little harder to be certain.

21 Foetus growth now starting to impact on the mother’s lungs. Shortness of breath is quite common. Possible additional scan to check all the internal organs.

22 Foetus starts to be able to feel taste and touch sensations.

23 Skull bones start to harden (though they will not finish hardening until after the baby is born or there will be no way to fit the head through to get it out).

24 About the youngest a baby can be born and have a chance of survival though still less than 50%.

25 All organs now finished, just growing from here on. Better than 50% survive if born at this point. Pre-Eclampsia now a possibility.

26 Skin begins to become less transparent

27 Foetus is now up to around 340 mm and about 800g.

28 Routine test for Pre-eclampsia. Also time for an injection to protect future pregnancies if your partner has Rh negative blood and you have positive Rh (Blue baby syndrome).

29 We are in the third trimester now, so things like RLS may be showing up.

30 In all probability you will be able to feel the baby move by now (you may have been able to for literally months, but you may not until now).

Irregular painless squeezing sensations near the top of the uterus (Braxton Hicks contractions) may begin now. While they are irregular and painless do not worry as they are just preparation for labour. If they become painful or start to become more frequent (more than 3 times an hour) then assume they are the real thing and call a doctor or midwife.

31 The foetus can now tell if it is light outside, as enough light filters through the mother and the foetus’ eyelids to be recognised by the eyes which are now sensitive and able to feel it. Your partner’s breasts may start to produce the high calorie milk precursor (colostrum).

32 Time for another antenatal appointment.

33 Time for the baby to turn head down ready to match up with the pelvis, see week 36.

34 Uterus pressing on stomach may make eating proper meals harder for your partner. Small snacks will show affection and win brownie points. For some mothers, little and often, seems to be the only way they can eat from here on.

35 Time to discuss birth options.

36 Time for a first baby to move its head into a docking position with the pelvis. This is known as being “engaged”.

37 Lungs mature and able to breath unaided if born prematurely.

38 Babies born from now on are no longer premature. All that is left to do is put on more weight.

39 Another ante-natal appointment.

40 Birth might take place if baby is running dead on due date. Actually anywhere within a couple of weeks either way is pretty normal.
the conventional 40-week pregnancy length is completely arbitrary. It was established by a German obstetrician in the early 1800s. He decided that a pregnancy should last 10 moon months (40 weeks) each. However, when researchers in a 1990 study followed a group of healthy, white women, they discovered that the pregnancy in first-time mothers averaged 8 days longer than this, and the average was 3 days longer in women with prior births (Mittendorf et al. 1990). This means that first-time mothers are not only not "late" at 41 weeks, they haven’t even reached the average pregnancy length.

The following happen but I have not put them into the order yet (see not to self above)
Internal organs

Placenta attaches lowering miscarriage risk

Placenta starts fully filtering lowering toxoplasmosis and other disease related risks. Less care eating and drinking required.

Shedding protective body hair

Hearing

Eyes register light

Eyelids separate

Movement of foetus can be felt externally

Things that can go wrong
Problems conceiving
Problems during the gestation period
Miscarriages

Causes.
How to spot a potential miscarriage and what to do if you do notice in time.

Premature birth
Before I say anything else on this subject I should say that premature birth is not common. A baby born anywhere from 37 weeks onwards is not premature. A little early perhaps, but no worse off for that. I have included this section so that if a really premature birth does happen in your case you have some figures for reference to give you a grasp on what is going on and to try and understand it. It is not likely to happen. I do not recommend spending time on this section unless it is actually happening to you or someone you know. It is a horrendous thing to happen and will depress you unnecessarily. If it is happening to someone you know please give them quiet support as they will need it.

Why Are Some Babies Born Early?
This is not an area where the reasons are fully known. A number of known possible reasons are as follows.

• Infections in the mother

• Multiple babies. The uterus starts to contract when it is as stretched as it can cope with so most multiple births are born before 38 weeks, and quite a number are born a lot sooner.

• Weakness in the cervix.

• If you have a condition that affects your health or your baby's (such as severe pre-eclampsia) the medical staff might advise you to have an induction.
If your labour starts early by itself, you will either experience rupture of the membranes, or you will start to feel contractions. If you think you might be in labour, or if you are bleeding, call the hospital or the midwife immediately.
It may be possible to slow down or even stop a premature labour. Drugs that stop the contractions may give the baby more time in the uterus thus improving the chances of survival (see below). There are also treatments to prevent the baby being born with RDS which seriously affects breathing.

Again, when a baby is premature the realities are pretty harsh, but my feeling is that in that case it is better to know. If you do not feel the same, or if you are not sure, now is the time to skip past this to the glossary, or to go and look at some baby shopping catalogues elsewhere.

Will A Premature Baby Live?
Premature labour is usually defined as labour beginning before the 37th week of pregnancy. Over the last few years a premature baby’s chances of surviving without any long term problems have increased significantly. There are two hurdles for a premature birth:

1. Surviving the birth itself

2. Surviving from birth onwards.

Premature babies born before 24 weeks rarely survive more than a few days. The survival rate of live-born babies at 24 weeks is around 40% thereafter every week adds about another 10% to the survival rate up to 28 weeks where the rate is around 80%. After that the survival rate goes up more slowly (otherwise it would go beyond 100% after 30 weeks), but does continue to go up. The birth weight makes a significant difference. Being over 500g at birth seems to add almost another 10% to the chances of a premature baby.

By the time the pregnancy has reached week 35, the baby may need to spend some time in special care, but will probably be fine. Some premature babies that survive have long-term disabilities or conditions that affecting their health. This is something to talk to the doctors about when you are becoming more confident that your baby will live.

In general the prospects of a premature baby are determined by:

• The number of weeks gestation (the later, the better, see above)

• The baby's weight (heavier babies usually have a better chance of survival)

• Whether the baby has any birth defect (e.g. cleft palate, Down syndrome)

• The availability of specialist care (in the UK, Europe and the states this tends to be pretty good).

Problems with the birth itself

Problems with the child afterwards.

Warning signs to watch for.

These are a list of things that could indicate a problem with the health of the foetus, the health of your partner, or the progress of the pregnancy. If you see any of them it is worth calling the doctor. As I said in the disclaimer no book is ever going to be as good as having proper medical attention and this book is no exception. Most of these signs can happen and then go away with no explanation. Do not wait to see if they will go away, call and get help. Pregnancies can do all sorts of strange things, but when there is a warning it pays to take notice.

Weight warnings
Keep track of your partner’s weight. If you find she is doing any of the following it is worth calling a doctor or midwife as they can be indicative of a large variety of problems. Clearly you should discuss this with your partner before making the call.

• Gaining more than 3 pounds in any week between week 13 and week 27 (inclusive).

• Gaining more than 2 pounds in any week after week 27.

• Not gaining weight for more than two consecutive weeks from the 4th month through to the 8th month (inclusive).

• Gaining more weight then you expected while eating healthily.

NB The last point is a judgement call, so spend even more time discussing it with your partner before phoning the doctor.

Spotting or vaginal bleeding
If your partner talks about seeming to have a period, spotting or bleeding it is time to pay close attention. This is particularly so in the first three months when miscarriages are most likely. This is a good time to get the midwife in urgently to do a pelvic exam to see if the Uterus is open.

About 25% of women have some spotting during the first months, of these only about 50% stop bleeding and finish the pregnancy normally. The causes can be varied ranging from a hormone imbalance threatening a miscarriage through an ectopic pregnancy to a full miscarriage. Once again, if there is vaginal bleeding seek medical attention. If she also gets cramping, call urgently, do not wait for anything. Your partner may be the one in eight who gets the bleeding without problems, but if that is the case calling the doctor will have done no harm at all. If she is not you may have saved the pregnancy.

Pre-eclampsia or toxaemia
Symptoms include bad or continual headaches, visual disturbances (blurring or spots before the eyes usually), excessive weight gain , fluid retention, sudden swellings (typically hands, feet or ankles) and high blood pressure.

Pre-eclampsia/toxaemia, is a pretty serious condition causing danger to your partner as well as to the foetus, and can require your partner to be hospitalised. Toxemia can cause low weight babies (a danger to the child long term) premature birth and other forms of foetal trauma.

Excessive morning sickness
If your partner cannot keep enough fluids down because she is continually throwing up for a one or two days this can cause dehydration. Call the doctor; as well as being bad for the foetus this can be very bad for her, and may require her to go into hospital.

Fever, chills or hot and cold flushes
A fever, chills or hot and cold flushes are warning signs, particularly if she has no symptoms of a cold. A high temperature can be dangerous in itself, as well as possibly indicating problems, as it can cause her to go into labour prematurely. As with all the warning symptoms found here get medical advice.

A sudden gush of fluid from the vagina may be an indication of the premature rupture of the membranes in the last trimester of pregnancy. When this occurs, an infection known as amnionitis develops the symptoms of, which are fever, a discharge that gives off a bad smell and abdominal pain. This is potentially dangerous for the fetus.

Urinary tract infection
Sometimes pregnant women need to urinate frequently. They may also feel some discomfort during urination either as a burning sensation or a dull pain in the lower abdomen towards the end of urination. These are the symptoms of a urinary tract infection.

Abdominal pain
Sudden intense or continual abdominal pains early in the pregnancy could signify a miscarriage. These symptoms late in pregnancy could be a precursor for premature labour.

Rash
Possibly indicative of Rubella (German measles)

Lack of foetal movement
If a pregnant woman feels a marked decrease in foetal movement, you/she should consult the doctor immediately as this could indicate foetal distress.

Frequently asked questions
Why don’t I feel excited?
Why do I feel pushed out of everything?
What can I do to become more involved?
How will I support the baby?
Will we still have time for a relationship?
Will we ever sleep again?
Everyone keeps telling me this will be the end of sleeping, is this true?
How can I prepare?
Will it affect sex?
Why is she so irrational?
Is it mine?

Things she should avoid
See also the wallet card summaries included in the book. These can be put in your wallet and kept with you for easy reference.

• Chemicals
o Pesticides.
It has been suggested that both garden and agricultural pesticides cause a greater risk of neural tube defects, oral clefts and heart or limb defects.
o Cleaning products and bleaches in enclosed poorly ventilated spaces. Cleaning products seem generally reasonably safe though it has been suggested that oven cleaning may be too poorly ventilated to be a good risk.
• Foods she cannot eat
Meats
o Liver
o Pate
o Uncooked meats such as
Parma Ham, real Spanish sausage, etcetera
Dairy
o Blue cheeses
o Cheeses with mould based rinds like brie and goats cheese
o Uncooked Goats Cheese
o Unpasteurised cheeses
o Anything containing raw egg
Home made Mayonnaise, Mousses, poached or soft boiled eggs, etcetera
Seafood
o Marlin, Swordfish, Shark, much Tuna (canned is better than fresh).
o Pickled fish (it is generally raw)
o Semi or uncooked shellfish
Medications
o Anti Thrush pills
o Painkillers
o Almost any other medication.

Most medications seem to carry a risk for pregnant mothers. Always read the label, and if buying from a pharmacy consult the pharmacist. If being prescribed by a doctor consult the doctor.

• Habits she should break
o Smoking
o Drinking
o Drugs
o Gardening
o Dog walking on the public highway
o Changing the litter tray

The law and your rights

Paternity leave
From 2003 men can take up to 2 weeks paternity leave at £100 pw
Men can take up to 13 weeks unpaid maternity leave

Eligibility
Employees must satisfy the following conditions in order to qualify for paternity leave. They must:
• have or expect to have responsibility for the child’s upbringing
• be the biological father of the child or the mother’s husband or partner
• have worked continuously for their employer for 26 weeks ending with the 15th week before the
baby is due

If there are any problems with your partner’s employers are handling her maternity leave you may wish to provide backup and to talk to them from a point of knowledge. Here are a few details about maternity leave:

Eligible employees can choose to take either one week or two consecutive weeks’ paternity leave (not odd days).
They can choose to start their leave:
• from the date of the child’s birth (whether this is earlier or later than expected), or
• from a chosen number of days or weeks after the date of the child’s birth (whether this is earlier
or later than expected), or
• from a chosen date later than the first day of the week in which the baby is expected to be born.
Leave can start on any day of the week on or following the child’s birth but must be completed:
• within 56 days of the actual date of birth of the child, or
• if the child is born early, within the period from the actual date of birth up to 56 days after the first
day of the expected week of birth.
Only one period of leave is available to employees irrespective of whether more than one child is born as the result of the same pregnancy.

Women have a statutory right to:
• Take time off work for antenatal care
• Right to work in a safe environment
• Claim unfair dismissal if dismissed because of pregnancy
• Take 18 weeks maternity leave
• Right to return to work after baby is born
In addition women may have right to maternity pay

Ensuring the child is registered as yours
Car seats and taking the baby home.
What they say about letting you leave
Taxi’s, buses, trains and other transport methods.

Pregnancy related books and web sitesBooks
For you
About becoming a parent: None (well that is why I wrote this)
Sex books Nancy Friday, Cosmo book or similar
Stress Books:

For her
Best friend book
Week by week book

For both of you
Penguin names book
What not to name your baby (’cos it is funny, not because they are not good names)

Web Sites
www.babycentre.co.uk
(note to self) add others and classify them by type.

Other media
Coupling series four DVD
(note to self include reference to a Good DVD of a birth to know what it is actually like, how much blood, gore, etc.)
Shops and web sites for baby related shopping

Glossary

Acidity/alkalinity
The property of being acid/alkali. Acidity in a mild form is sourness; acids eat away at a variety of substances including glass and metals. The acidity of the vagina is one of the factors that prevents sperm from living more than a short time. Alkalinity is the opposite of acidity and acids and alkali neutralise each other. Alkalinity can also be corrosive a good example of which is the almost painful heat from chilli peppers which is caused by the natural acidity of the plant.
Agglutination
Clumping together. This makes it more difficult for the sperm to swim, and so harder for them to reach the egg to actually fertilise it.

Androgenic hormones
Any steroid hormones that control the development and maintenance of masculine characteristics such as facial hair, deep voices, muscle development, sexual response and so forth.
Examples of androgenic hormones are testosterone and androsterone.

Androsterone
See androgenic hormones.

Blue baby syndrome
If you have Rh positive blood and your partner has Rh negative blood then your partner’s body body may produce antibodies that will cross the placenta and cause problems in the growing baby (erythroblastosis fatalis or "blue baby syndrome").
The remedy for this is simple and effective. An injection of Rh immune globulin at 28 weeks and another after the birth. This prevents the production of antibodies to the Rh factor and protects future pregnancies.

Bulbourethreal fluid
See Cowper’s fluid.

Campylobacteriosis
Campylobacter is a bacterium commonly found in animals and the environment. Infection can result form the same causes as for Toxoplasmosis as well as drinking non-chlorinated water.
The symptoms of Campylobacter infection are usually flu-like, followed by diarrhoea, abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting. Miscarriage and premature labour can occur.

CDC
The United States Center for Disease Control.

Colostrum
Colostrum is the pre-milk produced in your partner’s breasts at the start of breastfeeding. This special milk is low in fat, and high in carbohydrates, protein, and antibodies to help keep a baby healthy. It is prefect for the first food the baby consumes as it is extremely easy to digest. It is small in quantity but highly concentrated nutrition for the newly born baby. Colostrum has a laxative effect on the baby. This laxative aids the excretion of the breakdown products from the blood that has sustained the baby until birth; it also helps prevent jaundice.

Cowper’s fluid
Also called ‘Bulbourethreal fluid’ or ‘pre-cum’ this is clear fluid is released during sexual arousal as well as in the semen. It is there to cancel out the effects of any urine that may still be in the urethra.

Ejaculate (verb)
To eject or discharge (semen) in orgasm. Colloquially ‘to come’.

Ejaculate (noun)
The fluid, semen, discharged during ejaculation.

Ejaculatory duct
Either of the paired ducts formed by the junction of the seminal ducts with the vas deferens, through which semen is ejaculated.

Episiotomy
A surgical incision to try to help the baby fit through the vagina. Colloquially “A Cut”.

Fallopian tubes
A tube, or duct, for the passage of ova from the ovary to uterus where further development takes place.

Female reproductive hormones
Any of various natural steroids secreted chiefly by the ovaries, placenta, adipose tissue, and testes, and that stimulate the development of female secondary sex characteristics and promote the growth and maintenance of the female reproductive system.
NB these, or rather the various synthetic or semi-synthetic steroids (such as ethinyl estradiol or norgestimate) that mimic the physiological effect of these natural hormones are what are used in ‘the pill’ to fool the female body into thinking it is pregnant and so stopping conception.

Folic acid (folacin, folate, vitamin bc)
A yellowish-orange compound of the vitamin B complex group. Found in green plants, fresh fruit, liver, many fortified grain products and yeast.
Deficiency of folic acid has been linked to such ailments as anemia and poor growth. See also Nutrients above.

Free radicals
An unstable and highly reactive atom or group of atoms. In animal tissues, free radicals can damage cells, cause chromosome breakage and are believed to accelerate the progression of cancer, cardiovascular disease, and age-related diseases.

Listeriosis
Listeria is a common bacterium found in many places including animal faeces, on plants, in soil and in water. Listeria can occur on raw food and even contaminate prepared food. Listeria can grow on food in the fridge.
Listeria infection usually shows as mild flu-like symptoms including fever and muscle aches.

Oestrogen
See Female Reproductive Hormones.

Ovum/ova
The egg/eggs, produced by your partner which your sperm should fertilise during conception.

Ovulation
The moving of a mature egg (ovum) from the ovaries to the fallopian tubes ready to be fertilised.

Post-natal depression

Pre-eclampsia
A toxic condition developing in late pregnancy that is characterized by a sudden rise in blood pressure, excessive gain weight gain, generalized swelling from accumulation of watery fluid in the tissues (Also known as dropsy), protein accumulations in the urine (which imply kidney problems), severe headache, and visual disturbances
NB This is dangerous both to the baby and to your partner. If it is even suspected take your partner to see a doctor immediately, or if you have a 24 hour number call the midwife. Just less than one in ten women (8%) get this in some form or other, though most at risk are first time pregnancies and older (over 40) pregnancies.

Progesterone
See Female Reproductive Hormones.

Prostaglandin
A significant amount of the semen is made up of Prostoglandins. They are any of a group of hormone-like substances produced in various tissues that are derived from amino acids. They mediate a range of physiological functions, such as metabolism, nerve transmission and smooth muscle action.
Drugs that lower prostaglandin levels inhibit the development of male sexual behaviour. Prostaglandin is also used for the induction of birth and early termination of pregnancy.

Prostate
Produces prostatic fluid used for lubrication of the urethra, and protection, nourishment, and mobility of the sperm in the normally acid environment of the female vagina. Prostatic fluid is full of a lot of the good things discussed under nutrition like calcium, zinc, and citric acid.

RDA (recommended daily amount)
The RDA is the amount (for each) of vitamins and minerals recommend for the average person. The U.S. federal government sets these levels through the FDA.
The RDA indicates the amount of vitamins and minerals needed to prevent common deficiency diseases (such as rickets or scurvy) for the average person.

RDS (respiratory distress syndrome)
A respiratory disease of newborn babies, especially premature babies, characterized by distressful breathing, cyanosis, and the formation of a glassy membrane over the alveoli of the lungs. Also called hyaline membrane disease

RLS (restless leg syndrome)
RLS is described as an unpleasant sensation (crawling, tingling, cramps or burning) in the legs when sitting or lying still. The pain experienced is usually felt in the calves or thighs and can be relieved temporarily walking around or stretching the muscles. The persistent need to stretch often leaves the sufferer unable to sleep.
This is sometimes experienced in the third trimester, which is a shame as you want to be sleeping well ready for what is to come.

Semen
A thick whitish fluid containing sperm and the secretions from a bunch of glands. The main glands that are involved are the seminal vesicles, the testes, prostate, and bulbourethral glands. Semen is also called ‘seminal fluid’.

Seminal vesicles
A pair of glands on each side of the (male) urinary bladder that secrete the fluid for semen and nourish the sperm. These glands also move the sperm through the urethra when you ejaculate.

Show
Show If you notice blood-tinged mucous ("bloody show") from the vagina, your partner may be losing the mucous plug that has sealed off the cervix up to this point. This is another sign that her body is preparing for labour

Spina bifida
A neural tube disorder of improper development of the spinal cord and back bones, occurring when the lower end of the neural tube fails to close. Spina bifida can cause a range of symptoms depending if any nerve damage takes place, and if so where. As the brain is in some sense the most important organ in the body the most severe effects are when it is damaged. The spine is next, and damage can cause paralysis or loss of feeling, or even, if damage is slight, no symptoms whatsoever. Many people have only discovered that they have some forms of spina bifida (literally divided spine) when they have been X-rayed for other conditions and the division has been noticed.
Related conditions include hydrocephalus (fluid on the brain), anacephaly (brain missing altogether) and encephalocele (a sac which exerts pressure on, and may damage the brain). All of these have a severe impact on the child and its parents. As consuming folic acid in the early stages can prevent this, it is clearly worth ensuring that you and your partner take it, or at least eat enough leafy vegetables.

Spinnbarkeit
From the German meaning the ability to be spun, this refers to the elastic stringiness of cervical mucus during ovulation. It could be used to refer to the same quality in something else, but I have never seen it. If anyone comes up with an appropriate use do let me know as it seems like a really fun word.
Testicles (testes)
The source of sperm and the steroid hormones, such as testosterone and androsterone that control masculine characteristics such as facial hair voice changes and sex drive.
Normally occurring paired in an external scrotum, these are the male reproductive glands that correspond to the female ovary.

Testosterone
See androgenic hormones.

Toxoplasmosis
A disease caused by infection with Toxoplasma gondii. The congenital form, apparently resulting from parasites in the infected mother being transmitted to the foetus, is characterized by lesions of the central nervous system that can cause blindness, deafness and brain damage.
Toxoplasma is commonly found in most sorts of animals, especially cats. Infection can result from contact with animal faeces or soil, eating undercooked meats or salami-type meats (which are usually uncooked), raw milk (not pasturised), and unwashed raw vegetables.

Uterus
The muscular hollow also known as the womb. The uterus is located in the pelvic cavity and is where the fertilized egg implants and develops.
Urethra
The channel through which urine flows when we urinate.

Vas deferens
The sperm-carrying duct, the vas deferens is a small but thick-walled tube about two feet (60cm) long. It is very convoluted as it runs from the epididymis, through the inguinal canal, and down into the pelvis where it joins the seminal vesicle to form the ejaculatory duct.

Womb
See Uterus

Index

Agglutination. See Sperm Agglutination
Breastfeeding, 146
Colostrum, 202, 203
CDC, 202
Complications
Blue Baby Syndrome, 176, 202
Pre-Eclampsia, 176, 206
Premature Birth, 182, 183
Toxoplasmosis, 119, 212
Egg/Ova, 44, 206
Ejaculatory Duct, 204
Fallopian tubes, 204
Female orgasm, 43, 69, 80
Folic Acid, 48, 96, 205
Free radicals, 56, 205
Hormones, 204, 205, 206, 207
Nutrition, 23, 42, 48, 49
Post Natal Depression, 53, 206
Prostaglandin, 207
Recommended Daily Amount, 46, 47, 48, 49, 57, 58, 208
Respiratory Distress Syndrome, 182, 209
Restless Leg Syndrome, 176, 209
Sex, 79
Anal Sex and conception, 82
Sperm
Agglutination, 44
Chromosome breakage, 56, 205
Count, 21, 23, 49, 51, 59, 74
Deformed, 43
Motility, 44, 59
Spina Bifida, 210
Vas Deferens, 213

Disclaimer

I am not responsible for any loss or damage that you may view as being caused by anything that you have seen or read in this book. While every effort has been made to ensure that the information in this handbook is accurate when written, and at time of going to press, I am not providing individual advice to the reader; no book can be a substitute for a qualified medical opinion. Anything that concerns the health of yourself, your partner or your baby is something that should be referred to a qualified professional. This disclaimer should be replaced by a boilerplate legal disclaimer for medical books, and should probably include the publisher and distributor as well.

Copyright Rufus Evison 2005-2008

Becoming a father Chapter 4 : Nutrition

2008-03-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

Everyone seems to know that women should take folic acid while they are trying to conceive so that the baby’s brain develops properly. Many people even know that it makes conception that bit more likely. What no one mentions is that nutrition can have a major effect on men too. Below, after a quick explanation of why good nutrition matters for men I discuss the requirements for a man who is ‘trying’ and how to ensure that you fill those requirements. There are also a few asides on your partner’s nutrition and how to avoid this becoming andissue.

Nutrients, How Sperm Are Made And What Can Be Wrong.
A sperm takes around 100 days to make and is clearly important in the conception process. When the sperm enters your partner it has only around six hours in the vagina before the acidity there will kill it. It is important that it is a healthy sperm for it to even have a chance of getting to the egg, let alone being in a condition fertilize an egg upon arrival.

A sperm measures around 1/20th of a millimetre and swims at around 3mm an hour. That means each sperm is swimming around 60 times its own body length an hour, which does not seem that much until you think that it has to swish its tail around 8000 times to move only ten centimetres.

Fortunately a strong female orgasm can cause muscle contractions to suck the sperm to the safety of the more alkaline cervical mucus. This means that most sperm reach the fallopian tubes within an hour, rather than getting too damaged by the acidity.

Possible problems with sperm include:

• Cannot swim in a straight line.
Sperm can suffer from a tendency to zigzag or even to swim around in circles. Not good news if you are a sperm in a hurry to get out of an acid environment.

• Deformed heads. Sperm can suffer from the heads being too big, too small, the wrong shape or even from having more than one head. This can affect ability to swim as well as ability to conceive upon arrival at the egg.

• Deformed tails. Sperm tails are made of two central tails surrounded by two rings of nine fibrils. These must taper to give the sperm proper motility. Again sperm can have these poorly formed or even have two tails.

• Lethargic sperm. If the sperm are not whipping their well formed tails behind their well formed heads they are not going to be moving fast enough to survive the whole journey.

• Not enough sperm. As most sperm never make it close to an egg it is clearly essential to have enough sperm or there will be very little chance of a successful conception.

• Sperm not ‘motile’. If the sperm are stuck together (agglutinating) or otherwise not able to move properly they will not make it to the egg while they are still viable.

More About Sperm
Some sperm facts:

• When you orgasm you ejaculate around 2-5ml of sperm (up to around a heaped teaspoonful). This contains around 90 million sperm per millilitre. Depositing between 150 million and 500 million sperm.

• Sperm can survive for up to around 6 hours in the vagina though most will die within the first hour or less.

• Sperm can live for 3-5 days or even longer in your partner‘s cervix if there is fertile mucus there.

• When your partner is not in her fertile phase her mucus blocks entry to the cervix keeping the sperm out.
Sperm are therefore stuck in the vagina and killed by the acidity of the vaginal secretions.

• Around 8% of couples of who use anal sex as a method of birth control have pregnancies each year.

• Your testicles are always making sperm, so you are potentially fertile all the time, rather than in phases like your partner.

• The natural lubricant produced before orgasm, sometimes known as pre-come can contain sperm, and so can cause pregnancy even without ejaculation.

What Our Bodies Need
To make healthy sperm our bodies need a whole variety of nutrients. To protect the sperm during their journey from where they are made to where they are stored before sex they need other nutrients such as antioxidants. A variety of governmental and other organisations produce recommendations for how much of each nutrient a person need and these are listed on packaging in terms of the Recommended Daily Amount (RDA).

The RDA for vitamins and minerals references the average person. Talking about the average person assumes that you are a healthy adult below 60 with normal digestion, not overweight, leading a relatively stress-free life. It also assumes no medical problems and a good diet. Under this definition very few people are average.

Few adult men consume the RDA for zinc. Zinc is one of the major constituents of sperm. Fewer than 29% of people eat the recommended 5 fresh fruits and vegetables a day . With the way that vegetables have been watered down, in some cases literally, there are grave doubts as to whether the recommended 5 portions a day are still sufficient. If you want to conceive then a healthy diet is very important and supplementing it with one or two tablets is not a bad idea at all.

It should however be emphasised that taking vitamin tablets is never going to be a substitute for a healthy diet. Do make the effort to eat healthily while you are trying to conceive, and to help your partner to eat good food throughout the pregnancy and you may find it has more effect on your sex life, your relationship and your general happiness than you would have believed possible.
Where the symbol is used in the table it means that the given item can be bad under some circumstances, but under others can actively be helpful. Each of these is covered in more detail elsewhere in the book, but in summary Vitamin E is useful up to the RDA, but check with a doctor before going over. Caffeine is generally okay in moderation, but cutting out altogether may be better. The exception to this is that there are some possible good side effects on sperm straight before sex under the right circumstances.

Details of Individual Nutrients
Folic Acid RDA 400ug
Folic acid is a B vitamin found in many fruits and vegetables. Men do not need to take as much of it as women, but they should be consuming it during the 100 day run up to conception. A finding of the Western Human Nutrition Research Center with UC Berkley was published in the journal of Fertility and Sterility; it suggests that low levels of folic acid correlate with decreased sperm count and low sperm density.
Your folic acid could be in the form of green leafy vegetables like spinach or it could be in the form of vitamin pills, but you do need to make sure there is enough of it in your diet.

The same study suggests that where there is a lack of folic acid there is more likely to be chromosome damage in the sperm which may contribute to an increased risk of childhood cancer.

A supplement containing the RDA of 400 micrograms per day wouldn't hurt. While too little sperm may be caused by lack of folate, over-consumption will not cause men to produce excessively high amounts of sperm.

Folate is commonly found in leafy greens, orange juice, legumes and fortified grain products. In the UK there is currently investigation into the idea that all white sliced bread should be required to be enriched with folic acid to prevent birth defects. As of January 1998, all uncooked cereal grain products in the United States were fortified at a concentration of 140ug of folate per 100 g of grain for the same reason.
NB: Too much folate in the diet can hide the anaemia associated with a lack of vitamin B-12. If you are taking a supplement then this is unlikely to be a problem, but if you are not then you may want to be sure you are eating enough meat and dairy produce (see Vitamin B12 below)

Folic acid in women
Even though this book is aimed primarily at men I feel that this can make such a significant difference to the future of the child and hence to the whole family that it deserves a proper mention. The CDC estimates that two-thirds of women in the United States do not consume adequate amounts of folic acid. I have not been able to obtain good figures for the UK but I would expect that more than one third of us do get enough folate. While the UK as a country are probably doing better than the United States, it would be very surprising if overall either were consuming enough.

In women, too little folic acid has been found to correlate with a higher risk of having children with birth defects such as spina bifida Previous research has shown that it is important for a woman to have enough folic acid in her body both before and during pregnancy to ensure correct brain development.
Adequate amounts of the vitamin are very critical for women, particularly during the period before conception and during early foetal development (the first three months or so). Folic acid taken by the woman before conception is also supposed to improve the chances of successfully conceiving.

Essential Fatty Acids (EFAs) RDA not yet issued
Essential fatty acid supplements are a good idea because semen is rich in prostaglandins which are produced from these fats. Men with poor sperm quality, abnormal sperm, poor motility or low count, generally have inadequate levels of beneficial EFAs or prostaglandins.

In addition essential fats have a major effect on the reproductive system (along with every other system of the body) as they are crucial for healthy hormone functioning. Omega-3s are fatty acids which are particularly linked to brain development and preventing depression.

In terms of ensuring the welfare of your child their brain development is clearly important, and lack of the right ingredients in your sperm are believed to be able to make a significant difference. Like all these things it will not make as large a difference as a long term lack in your partner during pregnancy, so you will want to help her with her nutrition as soon as you are able to stop taking care of yours.

EFAs and Female Depression During Pregnancy

If your partner is not getting enough EFAs then the foetus will take the lion’s share of what she is consuming. This lack can cause depression in your partner. If your partner is suffering from depressive symptoms during pregnancy check she is getting enough EFAs.

NB while pregnancy depression should not be confused with ‘Post-natal Depression’ it is possible that the two may be related, so care should be taken. Post-natal depression is covered later in the section entitled ‘The Birth’.

The best sources of EFAs within a healthy diet are fish, wild game and Flaxseed. In fact Mahatma Ghandi is quoted as saying “Wherever flaxseed becomes a regular food item among the people, there will be better health”. While Ghandi was no nutritionist he seems to have been right on this one, which along with the other sources near the end of this section is good news for vegetarians or the more adventurous omnivores.

In terms of fish the more fatty the better, so cold water fish (who need the insulation fat supplies) are ideal. Good examples of these are herring, sardines, halibut, mackerel and blue fin tuna. Do not forget that your partner has to be careful about how much tuna she eats because of the heavy metals, so this may be one to have on your own.

Buffalo and venison are also good sources of EFAs and have at various times been sold in most major supermarket chains including Sainsbury and Tesco. Marks and Spencer quite often has venison in a variety of forms that can conveniently be put into sandwiches as well as the sausages and cold cuts you will usually find in most places. If you do have difficulty finding these they are also available mail order from

http://www.farm-direct.co.uk/farmers/direct/fmbd2dee.html (Buffalo)

and

http://www.realmeatco.sageweb.co.uk/catalog.htm (Venison)

For vegetarians canola oil, flaxseed, flaxseed oil, walnuts, and leafy green vegetables such as spinach are all good sources of alpha-linolenic acid (ALA or sometimes LNA). ALA is the plant-based omega-3. Weight for weight walnuts have about three times the ALA content of salmon, so being vegetarian is not an excuse to skimp on the fatty acids.

Some people find that fish oil supplements give them unpleasant fishy burps or indigestion. If you are not one of these people, or if you can cope with the burps, then the supplements are worth taking while trying to cause a conception. Other ways, for those who cannot cope with the more standard supplements include omega-3 enriched eggs and enhanced breads.

Anti-Oxidants
Some research has indicated that certain types of DNA damage in the sperm can make it difficult to conceive, and can cause an increased risk of miscarriage if conception does take place. If DNA is damaged, there may be a chromosomal problem in the baby, should the pregnancy proceed. It has been suggested that his sort of damage is linked to some childhood illnesses.

Whether or not DNA damage does have these effects has not been conclusively proven, but to my mind the research makes it seem likely. It certainly seems worth taking vitamin C and the other antioxidants just in case. The same is true for your partner. The good news is it is possible for you to get pretty much all you need out of one or maybe two tablets, or out of a careful, healthy diet. Of the two I have to recommend having the healthy diet, and adding supplements so that you do not have to spend time worrying about how healthy you have managed.

Selenium RDA 55ug
Selenium is an antioxidant that helps to protect your body, your sperm and your partner’s eggs from free radicals. Low selenium in the blood is associated with low sperm counts. By protecting against free radicals selenium can prevent chromosome breakage, which is known to be a cause of birth defects and miscarriages.

Some good sources of selenium include red meat, tuna, chicken, and enriched pasta and whole grain breads.

Vitamin B12 RDA 1000 µg = 1mg
Vitamin B12, also known as cobalamin (from cobalt vitamin) is a complex compound containing cobalt which is important in the synthesis of RNA and DNA. B12 deficiency has been linked with anaemia, low sperm count, malformed sperm leading to poor sperm motility and with a failure to absorb folic acid. B12 supplements are one of the things sometimes prescribed for men with fertility problems, so getting enough in a normal healthy diet can sometimes avoid having problems in the first place.

Good sources of b12 include liver and kidneys, yogurt and dairy products, fish, clams, oysters, non-fat dried milk, salmon, and sardines.

Vitamin E RDA 10mg
Vitamin E is another powerful antioxidant; it increases fertility for both men and women. It may make the sperm themselves more fertile. Vitamin E given to men who are going for IVF treatment with their partners causes a 10% rise in the couple’s overall fertility. It has been suggested that the antioxidant activity might be responsible for this rise, but no one really knows.

WARNING: Vitamin E should not be taken if you are using anticoagulants. Always check with a doctor before exceeding the RDA of Vitamin E.

Wheat germ oil, almonds, sunflower seeds and sunflower oil are all excellent sources of vitamin E. Some vitamin E can also be found in Broccoli and spinach.

Vitamin C RDA 60mg
Vitamin C is yet another antioxidant. Studies show that vitamin C enhances sperm quality, protecting sperm and the DNA within it from damage. Vitamin C also seems to keep sperm from agglutinating, making them more motile.

Good sources of Vitamin C include citrus fruits - especially kiwi fruit, berries, tomatoes, cauliflower, potatoes, green leafy vegetables, peppers.

Poisoning: Large doses can cause diarrhoea and nausea.
Vitamin C is relatively quite delicate and often destroyed during food preparation, so raw or lightly steamed is best. It is destroyed by: boiling food, too much chopping, light, smoking and heat.

Calcium RDA 100mg=1g / Vitamin D RDA 5ug
It is worth ensuring that you are getting enough Calcium and Vitamin D. I am classing them together because the one is absorbed better in conjunction with the other. Research suggests that 1g of calcium and 10 micrograms (ug) of vitamin D each day may together improve a men's fertility. Sources of calcium include low-fat milk (an average milk glass has about 400mg) and yoghurt (one individual pot has around 300 mg of calcium). You'll find vitamin D in milk (the same size glass has 2ug) and salmon (a 100g has just under 10ug)

Zinc RDA 18mg
Zinc has been the subject of a huge variety of studies in both men and women.
Lack of zinc can cause changes to your genetic material and the same is true for your partner. This is associated with a low sperm count in men as the sperm tails and their outer layer are heavily dependant on sufficient zinc. Excess zinc can interfere with Copper and Calcium absorption, so while it is imperative that you get enough zinc it is not a good thing to go to far in that direction.

Clearly as I have said before, the less sperm there are out there, the less chance of conception. As well as lower sperm counts zinc affects the motility of sperm. Even if low zinc does not prevent conception in a particular case it can have an effect on the health of the baby.

Zinc is equally important for your partner’s body to use oestrogen and progesterone. Lack of zinc in women can lead to reduced fertility and an increased risk of miscarriage.

Most meats are good sources, particularly liver, as are most types of seafood, particularly herring along with eggs, nuts, peas and beans. Grains contain a fair amount of zinc, but have been shown to contain acids which bind to zinc making it harder to absorb. It is possible to overdose on zinc, so do not take more tablets than are recommended on the packet. As most of our zinc comes from animal proteins vegetarians need to be particularly careful to ensure they eat enough.

Supplements
The first thing that has to be said here is that supplements are never a substitute for healthy eating. What supplements are good for is avoiding worrying about whether your healthy diet includes absolutely everything that it should. If you cannot guarantee to eat five fruit or vegetables and a sufficient quantity of each of the different nutrient sources then I would personally recommend two of the ‘Soft and Chewy’ multivitamins from Bassets. The Blackcurrant flavour does not contain any artificial sweeteners or other nasties and is actually very pleasant to eat (as you might imagine being made by Bassets). In addition to these I would suggest occasional zinc, selenium and vitamin C tablets. These need not be as regular. What I found was that a single Bassets would be juicy enough to swallow a zinc or selenium tablet, so I alternated which I took on a day and then followed up with the second bassets chewy vitamin. The Vitamin C tablets I took were interesting and high dose, but not so pleasant that I always remembered or bothered with them.

Are supplements expensive?
Supplements for men are not expensive as you can use standard supplements that are not specific to pregnancy. Supplements for women are expensive as they have to avoid vitamin A and so the supplement companies know it is pregnancy related. For leaving out that vitamin they charge a large premium. The excuse is that extracting it from the fish oils is a cost, but as vegetarian supplements are not made with fish oil I have my doubts. In any case pregnancy vitamins are expensive where normal ones are not. I have included a few sample costs below. They will be out of date by the time this goes to press, but they are good indications.

Sample costs
MumOmega, 90 capsules £12.99
ClearBlue Pregnancy
Vitamins 28 capsules £4.99

Folic Acid 360 tablets £3.95

Pregnacare, 90 capsules £10.69
Bassetts Soft & Chewy Multivitamins, 30 sweets £1.49

Are supplements worthwhile? I know all the doctors I have spoken to about it recommend them. I also know that the reassurance that her supplements provide for my partner, when the hormones try to make her worry needlessly, is worth the price. Are they worthwhile for you? I think they probably are, but it is a personal choice. I recommend them, but do not feel they are so necessary that if the cost is a big issue you should stress yourselves out to get them into the budget.

As this is not a book for women I do not have the difficult job of trying to evaluate all the different supplements that your partner might want to consider. Certainly I was happy for my pregnant wife to take Pregnacare and MumOmega, but there could have been a more efficient way that would have let her off with just one tablet. It was not a big problem for her to have both, just a mild inconvenience.

In terms of practicality the best time to take your supplements is when you will reliably remember to take them. That is the reason I had mine first thing, and used supplements I enjoyed taking. In terms of efficiency the best time to take supplement seems to be with your biggest meal as the food helps you to absorb the supplement and lowers the chances that they will upset your stomach. Don’t take lots of different supplements at the same time because they can interact with each other and be less effective, for example, zinc interferes with how copper and iron are absorbed.

Taking supplements discretely.
As stated elsewhere, if people realise you are trying they will inevitably put more pressure on you both. For this reason you may well want to decide to keep it quiet. As some of the supplements can be a give away discretion about taking them may be required. Men can offer round the bassets supplements as delicious and no one will think any more about it. Also being chewy and not needing water these can be shoved in with food without even noticing.

Your partners will be much more likely to generate suspicion that they are trying if they start taking them openly and you may want to offer advice and help. This is in part because the supplements for women, being restricted to avoiding vitamin A, are recognisable as pregnancy related and have names like MumOmega and Pregnacare. Using a pill box or similar for taking them with meals hides this as well as making the packet small enough to be a bit more discreet. Nipping off to the toilet during a communal meal is another way of avoiding anyone noticing your partner taking her supplements. Also as supplements are not strictly necessary she could skip them on the days when having a meal with the mother or whoever else needs to be kept in the dark.

If they are not taken properly, supplements are flushed through your body without being absorbed. Ladies pretty much need to take supplements with water at room temperature – hot or chilled drinks can damage them. They should not drink tea or coffee 15 minutes before or after taking supplements because they interfere with nutrient absorption. Make sure you read the label on the bottle, and that your partner takes supplements with or after food as directed.

What Our Bodies Do Not Need

Alcohol
Why to reduce your intake
While an occasional drink is generally considered safe, studies show that daily consumption of wine, beer or spirits can decrease testosterone levels and sperm counts and increase the number of abnormal sperm in semen. Cut out or cut back on alcohol.

The same is true of your partner as Danish research has shown that a woman's alcohol intake is associated with decreased fecundability even among women with a weekly alcohol intake corresponding to five or fewer drinks.

It is worth noting that your partner is going to be being careful about alcohol for a lot longer than you are, so making he know you are making every effort at the start is good for both of you in the long run. Earn your brownie points while they are easy to get.

Tips for reducing your intake
Much alcohol consumption is related to peer pressure. It is not easy to avoid having a Guinness on Saint Patrick ’s Day or a whisky on Burn’s Night. If you are not strong enough to say no, or if you do not want to give away the fact you are trying to have a child then there are still a few things you can do. These really come down to (1) avoiding situations where drinking will be expected, (2) having a good excuse ready, (3) pretending to drink without actually consuming much alcohol.

Avoiding situations where it is necessary to drink
This is really just about planning. Look at all invitations and see whether you will have to drink. If you will invent a prior engagement or arrange to go to a less alcoholic do at the same time. Most men seem to let their partners keep hold of the diary, so producing engagements you have to get to should not be hard.
Below are a few good reasons why you are not drinking.

• I am driving
• I have felt a little dodgy today
• hates it when I come home smelling of alcohol, and she has been a bit down lately so I thought I would surprise her
• We are thinking of trying for a baby, so I thought I would see how long I could give up for. Once sees how hard it is/how much it would cost/other reason not to try it will probably come to nothing.
• My doctor told me to cut down for a while.
• I have had too much already.
• I had too much last night.

Tactics for appearing to drink without drinking

• Raise a wine glass (or any other glass) to your lips without drinking, so it never needs refilling. I have gone a whole evening without drinking anything by getting a big drink and any time I am offered saying “no thanks I was just bought one” as I show my full glass.
• Pick up the bottle and refill everyone yourself, so they do not notice your refill is only a splash.
• Gin and Tonic without the tonic, or better still mineral water masquerading as G&T.
• Alcohol free beer
• Virgin Mary
• Take your drink with you and pour it away when you are out of site.
• Iced coffee (with no milk) can look like dark spirits such as whisky
• Arrange to pour drinks for your partner and for her to pour for you. This can range from weak or completely alcohol free drinks to simply giving you stingy portions.
• Finally, tactic one of the list above can be supplemented by taking away the occasional full glass and ostentatiously replacing it with another big one.

It is worth noting that drinking and then throwing it up is not a good idea for a variety of reasons. The most important being that alcohol is absorbed through a variety of membranes from your tongue (mucus membrane) to your stomach wall, so even if you empty your stomach it may be too late to stop the alcohol getting into your system. Next most important is that your digestive juices which come up will not be good for you and their loss will be bad for your digestion.

Caffeine
There are good reasons for you to either give up caffeine or at least to reduce your intake. That said it is not always a bad thing for a man to have caffeine before conception. For women the only side effects are negative ones, for men the story is a little more complex. Below, as well as tips on cutting down I have included a brief explanation of the side effects as well as the myth that coffee wakes you up. Once you have read this you should have a reasonable idea of how much you want or need to cut down, and if you do need to then of how to do it.

The myth that coffee wakes you up.
Everyone thinks that coffee wakes you up, and most of us have even experienced it. Remember when you had your first cup of coffee? You suddenly felt very, very alert. The same for that evening when you discovered a local place that served double espressos. Well what you felt was not just the placebo affect, and yet coffee does not really wake you up. How can this be?

It is actually pretty simple. We know caffeine is addictive, that is why people are dying for their first cup to wake them up in the morning. Well the problem is that our body is not really designed to be hyper alert all the time but it is adaptable. After having coffee each day for a couple of days our body becomes accustomed to it. It puts you in a down state and the coffee brings you back to normal. You can think of it as coffee withdrawal symptoms. No coffee no alertness at all. Stop taking coffee for a few days, maybe a week, and your body starts waking up as normal. Suddenly you do not need coffee to wake you up, you have better mornings and are overall more alert.

It sounds odd but switching to decaf actually makes you more awake on average.

When caffeine is a good thing and when it is bad.
Strangely caffeine seems to have a similar effect on sperm to the effect it has on people. A cup shortly before sex that you want to result in conception gives the sperm a sort of undirected turbo charge. They move further and faster, though their sense of direction may not be as good. Clearly this only works if you have not been having coffee for a few days prior, otherwise the boost is gone, but the negative effects are still there. If your sperm are not suffering from a tendency to zigzag then abstinence followed by a cup of coffee at the strategic time can actually be beneficial. Taking coffee regularly will only have a small negative impact in most cases, certainly less than becoming very stressed by giving it up. I would suggest changing to decaf straight after the fertile time and sticking with it until she is fertile if you like the taste.

Reducing your caffeine intake
If rather than give up you simply want to reduce your caffeine intake there are a few ways you can try and do this:

• Substitute Decaf for every second cup. Try a blind test as if you get good coffee you will find decaf has a placebo effect just as good as the real thing. If you normally drink instant try buying single cup filters for the caffeine free drinks. This will mean you actually look forward to the better tasting coffee.
• Look at when you regularly have coffee and see if you can change the circumstances, e.g. if you have it with each meeting try and combine meetings to lower the number.
• Try different drinks such as water or tea when you might otherwise have coffee .
• Get your partner to help you, just as you will be helping her.

Rufus Evison

Becoming a Father chapter 3: Towards conception

2008-02-27T11:30:00.000-08:00

A man can make a difference
This section of the book is going to talk about things you can do before your partner is pregnant. These should help you to:

a) Increase the chances of conception,
b) Improve the chances of a healthy baby
c) Lower the odds of a miscarriage.

When I first started talking about writing this book a lot of people laughed at the idea because of two major misconceptions:

1. Any problems in conception are nothing to do with the man or are insurmountable without a doctor. There is only one thing a man needs to do to produce a baby and it is very easy and lots of fun.

2. What a man does before, during and after sex are unrelated to the health of the baby. Putting his sperm in the right place is the beginning, the end, and the sum total of a man’s responsibilities.

I believe these and some equivalent views about men and the time between conception and birth are the real reasons that there are still no useful books available for men who are planning a family.

While it is obviously very important for a man to know that there is only a small window each month in which he has a chance of causing conception there is a lot more that it can be useful for him to know. For example many people do not know that what they eat three months before conception can affect the chances of childhood diseases. Nor that what they wear during the same period can significantly affect whether there is any chance of conception at all .

Given this lack of information it is not surprising that we as men are turning to the books aimed at women. Women’s books often have a section or a chapter directed at the woman’s partner which assumes a couple of things. First it assumes (as do most male books) that conception has already taken place. Second it assumes that your objective is to understand your partner’s experience, and that other than that all you care about is whether you can still have sex.

Fortunately we have moved on since the days when this was all a man was interested in. Men now want to understand the whole process, as well as how what they do can affect things. Ninety six percent of men attend the birth of their child now where even twenty years ago it was far from the norm. Just as equality has started to give women a window into the world of business success it has allowed us a window into the world of emotional satisfaction. This is a real gain that most of the men I have spoken to have greatly appreciated.

Later in this section I do talk a bit about sex and how what the man does can affect not just the odds conception but the probabilities of each gender. Before that I am going to detail the difference nutrition makes to your fertility and in part to the health of you future child. There is information on fertility awareness as well. Understanding when your partner is fertile makes a large difference to the chances of conception. In my opinion the following are the factors that affect whether conception will take place, or at least those for which a man is partly or wholly responsible. In order of importance the following the following are what matter:

1. Timing
Sex needs get sperm to a live egg during your partner’s fertile period. If this is not achieved then conception cannot take place. If a viable sperm does not reach a fertile egg then no baby will result, so timing does control the possibility of conception. This does not mean having sex and exactly 2:15 on Saturday the 1st, the fertile period is measured in days not minutes. When you take into account sperm surviving until a live egg arrives the practical timing possibilities are even larger.

2. Smoking
This has a major negative affect on your sperm both in quality and in quantity. Also one of the negative affects of smoking is to remove essential nutrients from your system increasing the chance of some serious childhood diseases. Second hand smoke can also affect your partner, both prior to conception, and all the way through to the birth. Second hand smoke carried by clothes furniture or furnishings has been shown to have a negative effect even when no smoking take place with the mother present.

3. Nutrition
In a way I had to debate about putting this above alcohol, but decided that drinking alcohol is part of the whole what you eat/nutrition area. Good diet is not nearly as important for you before conception as it is for your partner all the way through. Most of the things you eat will only affect whether you have any chance of conception, without having too much risk of things like inhibiting brain function.

4. Alcohol
You may want to give up; at least it should not be for as long as it might be for your partner. Clearly if you will not give up then limiting your intake is a good idea. From a morale point of view it will be good for you to give up completely. That way you will be better able to understand how she feels about giving up drinking for the duration of the pregnancy. Supporting and understanding her throughout is very important. A lot of people try to argue against giving up saying a small amount does not make any difference. This is not true. A small amount makes a small difference to the odds, a larger amount makes a larger difference. This goes for her drinking while pregnant as well as you in the run up.

5. Stress
If giving up alcohol causes too much stress you may have an excuse to just cut down. If giving up alcohol causes that much stress then maybe you should have a close look at your alcohol consumption to see why? This is even more true for your partner after conception. The same rule applies to smoking, except that any smoking is so counterproductive that I would really recommend using this as a motivation to give up completely .

In this list I have assumed you are a normal healthy couple with no physical impediments to conception.

When you conceive does not seem to matter in terms of childhood diseases or of behavioural problems and learning difficulties. The order for the other factors seems to be much the same as they are in terms of affecting conception. In these terms recreational drugs are worse for your baby than smoking. This includes Marijuana which many users think of as harmless, or at least better than smoking.

It is worth highlighting at this stage that many couples who smoke have children, and most of them do not get Leukaemia or have major learning difficulties. Despite this smoking does alter the chances that you will conceive and the chances of having normal healthy children. In the same way there are many smokers who have lived longer than average and many old people who smoke but smoking does alter the chances of surviving to old age. The whole of the list above is about improving your chances not about guaranteeing the results one way or the other. You can succeed against the odds, and many do, the fact is more do not.

This book provides guidelines on timing, nutrition (including alcohol consumption) and stress, but giving up any addiction is too big a topic and requires a whole book.

If you have any addictions then look into getting rid of them before they affect either your chance of conceiving or the health of your child. Equally if you have any major stress related problems or eating disorders then you may find the things I can suggest insufficient. Use trying for a baby as a positive inducement to help you change.

If you think your partner has any addictions or other problems that will affect the pregnancy then try to use this as a supportive way to help her to help herself. Again we are straying from the remit of this book, but being supportive and trying to minimise her stress levels may help her to make a decision to improve the situation.

Rufus Evison

(c) Rufus Evison 2005-2006

Rufus Evison's Becoming a fatherchapter 2: Having a baby

2008-02-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

“All change is a miracle to contemplate; but it is a miracle which is taking place every instant.” Henry David Thoreau.

In this section I will talk about the commitment that having a baby requires from both partners, the kind of costs you can expect in terms of lifestyle and your relationship as well as the costs financially.

It is worth taking the time to examine these things together and make sure you understand everything fully. The reason this is so important is not just that it is a big commitment that needs to be entered into with your eyes open. There is a hidden reason too, and that is that in the 9 months run up to the birth you will experience moments of panic. You will ask yourself ‘what am I doing, have I made a really big mistake?’, and the only way you will be comfortable answering is if you have looked at everything while it is not yet happening.

This is a major tool for stress reduction and stress has a huge impact on pregnancy and conception. Her stress is even more important than yours in terms of things like causing miscarriages, so make sure you have both looked at things rationally and know what you are doing.

She is less certain to panic than you are, but it is a good idea to have all points covered in advance and a mutual agreement before things start. This is in fact a good way of going about anything to do with children, and practicing it now will stand you both in good stead for when you have children.

This is a book for men, so I am not going to go into detail about all the things that she will go through. There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of books for a woman which will tell her what she needs to know. I suggest that you may want to read some of them.

For a woman a pregnancy is a whole body experience. She will be subject to mood swings from mind altering substances . She will be subject to both mental and physical disabilities. Some of these will be annoying, some may be frightening, and some may be extremely inconvenient, not to say painful. Where a book for women about pregnancy talks about severe discomfort you have to understand that what is meant is mind numbing pain.

Some of the changes will affect you directly and those I have covered in detail. It is worth spending some time to understand the whole process, not just the bits that impact you. Try and see things from her point of view and it will deepen your respect as well as improving your experience of the whole pregnancy.

As you will read below a pregnancy in what will become a family is a massive change. For you this will be a whole relationship experience that changes all aspects of your life. For her it will be so much more than that, and a well informed man will understand that.

In some ways these changes are an advantage and you can use them in a positive way to help you both. Sometimes the more extreme changes can be destructive and you can use a good understanding to help mitigate against the negatives.

Conception is not something that happens overnight. Strictly speaking that is not true, many conceptions do happen overnight, but the average wait for that one night is on the order of six to eight months. Even that is misleading because you are more likely to become pregnant early or late, and not many people are actually anywhere near the average.

People who get pregnant in the first month or two tend to be those who are not trying at all, or those who have everything stacked in their favour. This is at least partly because stress is such a major factor, and if you are not trying you are not worried about not becoming pregnant. A lot of what the early part of this book is about is trying to arrange to have everything stacked in your favour.

This does not mean that you will automatically be one of the couples who get pregnant straight away. It certainly does not mean that you should start worrying if you do not get pregnant in the first few months. In fact I recommend not actively trying out any of the things that will help with becoming pregnant until you start actively trying after at least three months.

Of the couples I know who have been trying (a sample to small to have much statistical significance) most have either become pregnant within three months of starting to try or have taken around 2 years. None have been in the middle zone. Not a single couple has been even close to the average. The notable thing about the ones who take longer (I have factored out those who have physical fertility problems), is that they tend to be those with more stressful lifestyles, or those who have worried about becoming pregnant. The message is clear: Don’t worry, enjoy the sex, enjoy not needing to worry about contraceptives, relax and have fun becoming parents.

There is a Japanese philosophy which suggests taking pains over the details and being relaxed about the big things. Having a child is a big thing, do not worry about it.

Making the decision to try.

There are several things you have to consider if you are deciding whether or not to have a baby. These cover a wide range, from how prepared you are emotionally, through to what the costs will be financially. It is worth understanding how it will affect you both physically and mentally.

Knowing that this will change your relationship is this something that you, as a couple, want? It can never be something you are completely prepared for, but try to ensure that you have a joint understanding of what it will mean, and how it will affect you both. There is no substitute for talking, considering the consequences and talking some more. Understand the responsibilities it will bring, how it will affect both of your lives and how ready you each are for the responsibilities you would be taking on.

After you have read this chapter, remember there is no point waiting for the perfect time as it will never come.

Talking things over
Discuss your current relationship and make sure you have no hidden issues. The baby will place stress on the relationship in many ways (cf lifestyle changes after the baby is born). Talk with each other about fantasies you have had or still have; this can be anything from becoming a world class footballer to suddenly getting up and going to Paris for a romantic weekend. Having a child will restrict the sorts of things you will be able to do, and this needs to be understood before a decision is made.

Discuss any hopes and expectations you each have of the other as a parent and of both of you together as a family. Your relationship to each other is the environment that will surround your child. It will be shaken up by the arrival of a baby and you need to tie down any loose ends now so that even as it changes it is a good environment to be in.

Sleep deprived people are grumpy and unreasonable. You will be grumpy and unreasonable and she will seem twice as grumpy and unreasonable as you are. It is not enough for your relationship to survive this; it has to remain happy enough for a child to thrive in. This is a tall order, and no one can guarantee that it will be the case, let alone that it will be the case 24 hours a day 7 days a week. The best you can do is plan for it, prepare yourselves for a shock and see that as much preparation is done as possible.

The baby will come between you, so plan how you can maintain intimacy when there is no time to yourselves. You need to plan how you will arrange time to yourselves but, again, that is not enough. Also you should read about postnatal depression, as a large proportion of mothers get it, and it is usually unexpected and harsh. Coping with it as a partner is not easy. If this does not sound a bit scary then you do not understand.

A few questions for each of you to try to answer together:
• What are two or three things that matter most to you in your life right now?
• What are two or three things that you hope to have or achieve in the next five or ten years?
• What are your values? Do you value success, honesty, humility, generosity etc.
• What do you believe in? (things like I believe in firm discipline are just as valid here as I believe in one true god).
• Are you both of the same religion? If you are not will this cause a problem later?
• Who could help us? What is our family/friends/support network like? (Remember thath this includes both your emotional support network and the people who might offer practical or financial help).
• Whose judgement do you both respect, who could/should you ask for advice before you start trying?
• What issues do you have with your parents and how they brought you up? How will this affect your relationship with them? How will it affect how you bring up your child?
• How will you cope with unsolicited advice?
• How will you cope with advice you have asked for but do not like?
• Are you agreed on your approach? Can you, together, accept the things you agree about and not be worried by the things you do not agree about?
• Are your views on things like education, child care and discipline similar?
• How do you intend to resolve things when we disagree with each other? Not disagreeing about what the child can do in front of the child is a good idea here. Disgree, sort it out and present a united front.
• What are each of you going to do about time off, both straight after the birth and in the long term? How will this impact your careers?
• Is your relationship stable? Is it the sort of relationship that a child can add something to?
• Who is going to look after the child? Who will care for your home? How will responsibilities be divided?

After you have done all of the above create a financial plan to cover your lower income. See what this is going to mean to you financially and then try to imagine what this will mean to you both in practice. Being in a bad financial position is one of the key causes of postnatal depression in both men and women. Understand what your position will be and what you will want or need to do about it.

Once you have a real understanding of what it will mean financially talk about that between the two of you. See if her understanding of the hardships is the same as your understanding. If he thinks you will both save money by now buying expensive football strip while you think she will simply have less frequent haircuts you are both in for a big shock at the time you will least be able to cope with it. Talk things out now and you can avoid a whole host of problems.

Once you have tackled the financial matters it is time to look at the commitment you will both put in. The next section will give you a feel for the things to look at, so I suggest you read it both before and after your discussion. Again having an agreement about what each of you will do is a good start. Once you have that agreement go off and think about it alone.

You need to be comfortable that you can not only fulfil your half, but also that you can take over her half in the event that she becomes unavailable. Unavailable can be because of disease, injury, post natal depression, family issues, work issues, or in fact almost anything. If you are not comfortable you can do this then you need to go back and discuss your concerns with your partner.

She will probably not feel that her absence is a realistic proposition, but even happy healthy people get run down by busses. It is not about being realistic, it is about understanding what you are getting into, and both of you feeling that you know how to tackle all eventualities.

Am I ready for the commitment?
The commitment required to have and to raise a child is huge. If you are not at least a bit scared you either do not understand what it means or you are not taking it seriously enough. That said the joys of parenthood can be extreme too.

There are three different areas to look at in terms of how much commitment you will each need to put in. Your view of each area will be different from that of your partner, so I cannot emphasise enough the importance of the earlier section on discussion.

The sections below are
1. What you will each need to commit to simply for conception to take place.
2. What you need to commit to in order to see it through as far as the birth,
3. What you need to commit to in order to raise a child.

The amount of commitment required goes up as you go down the list, and I will talk about each. The thing to bear in mind is that you need to have thought about it all in detail before you start on phase one.

Once the journey to becoming a father has begun it will gain momentum and start to take over your life. You will wonder whether you have made a mistake, what it is all for, and whether it is right for you. The only reassurance you will have is to know that you have considered everything, and that this really is what you want. Once things are moving it will be quite easy to get frightened or nervous and so you need to know that you thought things out while you were not under pressure.

Discuss everything first then take the time to consider; later will be too late. Almost no one reasons well while a car is bearing down on them, and those who do get hit by the car while they are thinking. Reason now and enjoy the benefits later.

The commitment required before conception
The commitment required before conception is nothing compared to the commitment required to bring up a child.

What you do now will make a difference to the chances of conception, and may affect the chances of some childhood diseases. Perhaps, because all it does is alter the odds in your favour, you do not require any major changes to your life. The largest changes are likely to be denying yourself some of your favourite vices.
Why do anything at all?

Throughout the world millions of babies are conceived unplanned. Many of them grow up healthy and happy. It must be possible to do without all this, so why bother at all?

At least 15 percent of couples planning a baby in the UK or the US will have trouble conceiving! Some authorities put the figure nearer to 25%. The past twenty years have shown a dramatic increase in fertility problems.

A Male Fertility Study among GPs found that 2.5 million of the country’s 28.5 million adult men had low fertility, usually defined as being unable to conceive over the period of a year. Smoking, alcohol and stress were given as the main contributing factors.

More than a quarter (29%) of the 202 GPs surveyed by Norwich Union Healthcare said that low male fertility would have a detrimental impact on the nation's population in the future unless men changed their bad lifestyles now.

To be fair, the overall rise in fertility problems is also at least in part due to the change in the age profile of expectant mothers: Over the last 20 years the average age for a woman to have their first baby has risen from 26 to 29 . The number of births to women over 40 has increased by 50%.

However, among couples having difficulty conceiving, a male fertility problem is thought to be important in around 40 percent. In around 15 percent of couples it will be just a male fertility problem. In the other 25 per cent, there may be a problem in both partners.

For men, the risks of delaying having children rise every year. Sperm counts deteriorate gradually as you get older and children of older fathers are more likely to have health problems.

All of this means that men need to understand the process and the things that they can do to change the probabilities just as much as women do. We have the easier side of the deal but that is no excuse for thinking that we are not required to do anything.

Doing nothing will work well enough if there are no problems. If everything is already in your favour then there is no need to change anything, you will conceive a healthy baby with no problems.

Not everyone has the odds stacked on their side with their life already running smoothly. It is not really enough to start taking care once you know there is a problem because the significant effects of the stress can make a small problem larger. A little lifestyle care beforehand can make everything much easier.

The following is a breakdown of the infertility problems found divided by percentage of problem couples.

Male problems 26
Unexplained 30
Ovulatory failure (including Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) 20
Tubal damage 15
Endometriosis 5
Figure 1 Table from 'Natural Solutions to Infertility'. By kind permission of Dr Marilyn Glenville PhD

The percentages do not add up because many couples experience more than one problem when trying to conceive: for example, you may have a low sperm count., but your partner may have damaged tubes.

The most common cause of infertility is 'unexplained'. This is where lifestyle factors, nutritional deficiencies and stress need to be considered.

Conception is not the only reason to look at your diet. Things like smoking, recreational drugs and drinking can affect the future health of the child. Research shows that prospective fathers who drink the equivalent of two units a day (considered heavy drinking) during the 30 days straight before conception have babies who weigh on average 165 grams/6.5 ounces less than other babies.

Babies born with very low birth weights can have long term health and behaviour problems.

As a sperm takes 100 days before it leaves the man it would appear to make sense that the same would be true for any prolonged period during those 100 days. No research I can find has studied whether this is the case.

The commitment required during pregnancy
A lot of the commitment required during the pregnancy is around making things as good as possible for your partner. Pregnant women can be very demanding. Even when they are not demanding pregnant women need extra care and love as well as attention to a whole variety of tasks.

Your partner will have special dietary requirements, she will need special sleeping arrangements, sex and all related matters will change. Hormone fluctuations and build ups mean your partner will be undergoing a whole body experience that also plays tricks with her memory, her mood, her emotions and absolutely everything she does. The demands of the baby will affect whether she has the nutrients she requires to remain happy and healthy.

Things you are likely to need to do will include any and possibly all of the following:
• Clearing up after your pets regardless of whether it is in the house or on the street (and yes I do mean the excrement).
• Doing all the cooking.
• Cleaning up your partners vomit (be grateful; she actually has to do the vomiting).
• Hugging her and sympathising when she stops halfway through sex and bursts into tears about something that would never normally matter at all like your pillow not being plumped up.
• Explaining to the waiter that no the chef’s absolutely beautiful meal will not do because your wife is pregnant and cannot eat it. Then doing it again in a language you do not know while on holiday. Spending hours walking around trying to find a restaurant that serves something she can eat. Finally taking her back to the first place for the same meal after you have made her something and seen it rejected.
• Trying to explain that you are excited you just do not show it in the same way while you are worrying about why you are not feeling the least bit excited by anything to do with the pregnancy.
• Understanding that she does not feel sexy any more, or worse still that you do not find her sexy any more, and doing it in a way that does not make her feel unloved or anything other than glamorous.

All of the above, and many, many more things, possibly far worse need to be taken with a smile. You have the easy end of this deal, and in fact nothing I have mentioned involves your partner being unreasonable. Again all of this is as nothing compared to the demands you will find a newborn child puts on you. That said it may be good practice.

The commitment required after pregnancy
This is the big one. If you have ever looked at other people who have had kids and thought “I will never do that” about any of the changes you see in them then you are probably in for a rude awakening.

A baby will change your life. A child will change your life. A teenager will try to destroy your life and a young adult will somehow make you feel guilty about all the sacrifices you have made for them throughout your life.

The first and most obvious affect of having a son or daughter will be the time that they take up. This is of course not taking into account the affects on your partner and your relationship that are discussed elsewhere. Children of all ages take up a huge amount of time. For the first few years it is illegal to leave them unattended and alone, even in your own home lest they fall ill or somehow damage themselves.
This means that if you were to share the time burden equally, with no overlap of time with your partner at all, you would be in some sense affected for at least half your life. This means half of your days and half of your nights, half of every hour for a period of years.

That makes it sound both better and worse than it actually is. You can still be in charge of your child while both you and they are asleep, so some things can remain unchanged. You can ask other people to be in charge of your child, but that requires organisation and planning in advance as will as often costing money. In practice you will spend time with your partner where you are both with your child, so the time you are going to be affected as a couple is more than twenty four hours a day.
You will need to plan time to yourselves, both together and separately, simply in order to remain sane and happy human beings. It is best if you can start that planning before the baby is born as if you do not you may not have time to plan afterwards.

To my mind one of the major changes to your lifestyle will be the lack of spontaneity. Where a couple can decide to go out to the cinema a couple with a baby simply cannot do that without planning. Organising a baby sitter is generally something that has to be arranged in advance, and so not something that can be done spontaneously ‘off the cuff’.

It is not just going out together that is affected, but a whole range of things. If you are going out in the morning and your partner is going out in the afternoon you cannot just go, you have to plan when you will get back so that she can leave. Worse still, if you then run late, you cannot do what you had planned as you now have a deadline to be back. You cannot meet someone and spontaneously decide to have lunch with them, you have to be back to look after the child.

All of this does not mean that spontaneity is dead, but it is severely affected. You can still suddenly decide to go to dinner with the baby. In fact anything that can be done with a child you can do spontaneously. If you do decide to have a child spend some time finding out what you can do locally that will allow your baby to come too.

Holidays are going to be quite different. You can go skiing, provided child care is available. You cannot just ski down a mountain with the baby in a sling. I have been on the piste when babies have frozen to death in this way. It is a dangerous mistake to think that yours would be okay. You cannot go to a romantic hotel that does not allow children unless you have someone who will take the child for the entire time, including travel at each end.

Support networks such as family and friends can make a huge difference, but do not assume that yours will help. If you can, find a way of discussing it with them that does not give them the idea you are already trying. If possible let them feel that you are finding the commitment daunting (it is) and that you probably will not try, but want to understand where they might help if you did.

A baby will come between you. It requires emotional space as well as physical space and that cannot help but divide your relationship at least a bit, driving you further apart. As well as this it will take love away from each of you, and use up time that would otherwise be spent together. This, in turn will lower the time you have for intimacy, and if you do not guard against it may prevent it altogether.

It is worth discussing how much you are prepared to get up to in front of a baby who will not have any idea what is going on. For the first few years a baby is not going to even notice that you are having sex provided it is not such an unusual occurrence that it thinks you are in a fight. Eskimos live effectively all in one room almost their entire lives, and yet they manage to breed without severe trauma. In the medieval times it was quite normal to have a one room house that was heated in the winter by sharing it with the livestock and the current generations have ancestors. Some oriental houses work with everyone in one place because of the ridiculously high land values.

What I am saying is that because we are wealthy enough to have space for a separate room for children we have learned to be a bit prudish. Kids can accept almost anything as normal if they grow up with it, so do not let having a cot in your room destroy your sex life. That said talk about it with your partner as she may be completely unworried or she may be horrified. If you can come to an understanding of what is in your joint comfort zone as a couple then sex is one area where you really can maintain a level of spontaneity.

That said the additional work of having a child to look after constantly may take away some of the energy that fuels a good sex life, so discuss how each of you will feel about that as well. Work out between yourselves how you will respond when the baby suddenly screams in need of food or changing or rescuing from the electric socket while you are making love. Interruptions can destroy intimacy just as much as easily as lack of time or lack of energy. Are you prepared to take on a responsibility that could have that sort of effect on your life?

Are you ready for if it does not work? Sadly, though this book should help increase your chances of having a baby, there are no guarantees. Are you ready for the worst? The worst that can happen is not that you do not conceive, the worst that can happen is that you have what seems like a good pregnancy and then have to terminate because of some over-riding defect.

No matter how you feel about having your baby no-matter-what there are some babies that can never make it to term. If the baby has no brain it is not even worth trying to carry it, there is no hope that it will live. Yes this can happen! It is very rare, but normal miscarriages are not.

Imagine you have a pregnant partner, you have picked out a name, you have bought the cutest baby clothes you can imagine, and picked out all the different things you want to teach your child. And then for some reason you have to terminate. Will you blame yourself? Will you blame your partner? Will your partner blame you? What you have to ask yourselves is whether you can survive as a couple in the face of something like this.

As you think about all of the restrictions, responsibilities and possible tragedies do remember that there is a lighter side to all this. If it is beginning to seem too daunting try looking at http://www.breastfeeding.com/lighter_side/lighter_side_stories_ready.html where there is a list of interesting tests to see if you are ready to have a baby. To give you and idea of what it is like, the dressing test is as follows:
“Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.”
Having children can be wonderful, but it is much easier and more wonderful if you and your partner know what to expect and are ready for the extra responsibilities involved.

How much does having a baby cost?
Having a baby can cost money in more ways than you would think. Below is a summary from financial services company Liverpool Victoria which shows the direct costs of having a child for the first 21 years. It does not take into account any of the hidden costs, nor does it include private education. The costs are an average throughout the UK. In London or other expensive places the costs can be much higher.

Years Cost Cost Per Year Main Expense(s)
First year £7,600 £7,600 Nursery furniture, equipment, childcare
Years 2-5 £40,000 £10,000 Childcare
Years 6-11 £38,500 £6,400 recreation and food
Years 12-18 £35,000 £5,000 largest expense is food and clothes
Years 19-21 £32,600 £10,900 education
Total 0-21 Years £154,000 £7,300

It is worth noting that while the average child costs more than the average house, like a mortgage it is spread out over a long period of time. It is also worth noting that many families continue to contribute towards their children well into their thirties.

High earning families spend significantly more on their children. A privately educated child brought up in London will probably cost around £320,000 according to a report by Maureen Rice for The London Magazine. That is more than twice the average with around £93,000 each on education and childcare. That leaves around £140,000 which is not far off the average total spend to go on everything apart from childcare.

Americans may wish to consider whether their insurance might cover maternity and newborn costs. If you are based in the US you want to make sure that you have insurance that does cover these things before you start trying. Remember ‘pre-existing’ conditions are generall excluded.

In order to create your own budget the major direct costs you will want to consider include
Childcare costs
Clothing costs
Feeding costs
Travel/holiday costs
Education costs (including school uniforms if you are educating privately)
Pocket money
Toys, hobbies and extracurricular activities
Entertainment costs (birthday and Christmas parties, trips to museums and exhibitions, cinemas, meals out)
Miscellaneous unexpected costs (repairing a neighbours window after a ball accidentally breaks it, etc)
Additional accommodation costs (A one bedroom flat is not very practical with children. The more children you have the less practical it seems.)
To put these figures in perspective I am going to look at some findings from American Express. They produced some average figures based on the time from conception to the baby’s first birthday (party presumably not included).

Item Average cost Example prices
pregnancy clothes and toiletries £177
nursery furniture/decorations, cot and bedding £410 25 Wall Stickers £10
Cot
£60-£120
Mattress for Cot
£30 - £130
Pram/Push Chair £233 Cadet Plus Pushchair Red £25
Bugaboo Cameleon £600
car seat £79 Britax Babysure City £40
Maxi-Cosi PrioriFix £220
baby skincare products £380
formula milk £600
Baby Food £360
Clothes £280
Disposable Nappies £500
Total £3019

As you can see this comes to less than half the expected cost for a year. There are a lot of costs that are not included here, and I have to assume that they make up the rest of the £7600.

The largest cost that is clearly missing is childcare. An average day care centre in Cambridge will charge between £155 and £185 per week. Taking the lower price of £155 per week you see that we are only talking about 30 weeks of day-care, so presumably a parent is staying home and not working for the first 20 or so weeks.

The cost we are looking at of £7600 for the first year is the average. It will include everything from one extreme to the other. That is from people who have a full time live in nanny through those who use childcare from 6 weeks old and who do not have just day-care, but occasionally go out in the evenings and have a babysitter, right down to those who have no day-care and never hire a babysitter.
Depending on the distribution childcare could easily account for all of the rest of the direct costs, but I suspect that in fact there are more hidden direct costs that should be taken into account.

Also worth noting is that the whole table is based on averages, and that most people accept gifts from friends and relatives who have had children. There are also a large number who understand that, as a baby can grow out of clothes very fast, clothes in second hand shops have rarely seen much wear before being donated. As purchases in second hand shops, like gifts, do not fall within the remit of the American Express figures they will not be included in the totals.

copyright 2005 Rufus Evison

Becoming A Father: Chapter 1

2008-02-20T04:09:00.001-08:00

A Sensible Handbook of Real Information

© Copyright R Evison 2005

Introduction
Who should read this book
Anyone thinking about having children or currently on the way to having children should read this book. I do not say this because I wrote, but because I actually believe it.
I wrote this book specifically for men who wanted to understand what goes into making a child and what they could and should do. It was also written for men who wanted to know about becoming a father so that they could decide whether now was the time to have children, or even whether they wanted to have them at all. It was written for these men just as much as those who are already trying. Finally it was written for men whose partners were already pregnant and wanted to ensure the best chance for everything to go well.
I have written information for all types of men, because there is so much that a man needs to know. No one seems to tell us any of these things.
A note for women
This was written so men could understand everything about becoming a father, including what their partner is experiencing and how she might feel. Jack O’Sullivan of Fathers Direct tells us that a woman with a supportive partner present at birth is likely to need less pain relief and have a less traumatic time. I have not found the research he cites to support this, but it makes sense and all the professional and all the couples that I have spoken to agree with him. It was in my mind that men can want children and the miracle of birth as much as, or in some cases more than, women do.
What I did not think of when I started was that women might want to understand a man’s experiences too. Some women are interested in how their partners might feel. This really became apparent when I first got people to start looking through the manuscript and some of them started using it together as couples and discussing it.
If you are that sort of woman, or part of that sort of couple, then you will want to understand the worries your partner might have. This will help you to appreciate how he is coping with them and why he is behaving the that way he is. If this describes you, then buy the book for your partner, but read it yourself. This will help lower the stresses involved in pregnancy and could even be good for your relationship.
As stress can have big effects on a pregnancy anything that helps promote calm and reduce stress is good, both for you as a couple and for your potential unborn child.
Do not read the bits about romance and about things he can do to help you feel loved if you are a woman! It can be so much nicer for both of you if those bits are a surprise. Do not be surprised however when he knows what you should not be eating, knows what he needs to do to be more fertile and knows how to help produce a healthier child.
As well as reassuring a man the right information allows him to behave like someone who knows what he is doing and some of us find that important.

How to use the book
Many of you will not have started looking at books until your partner is pregnant; you will want to start with the second read through described below.
If it is not already too late, read through the book before you decide to start trying. This will give you an understanding of what pregnancy entails. More importantly it will allow you to do the many things you can do to make conception easier. Many of these things need to be started 3 months or so before the sex that produces the baby, so reading it afterwards is a little late. The other advantage of reading this before you start trying is that it encourages you to think about what you are doing. Once your partner is pregnant you will find it reassuring to know that you considered everything while there was no pressure, and to know that you have made the right decision.
Read through the book a second time once you are ready to start trying. Make sure you and your partner talk about the interesting bits. If you are going to be bringing up a child you both need to agree about how or you will undermine each other at all stages. The same is true about what you are doing throughout the pregnancy. In different countries their attitude to what you should and should not eat is very different . You need to decide how you are both going to feel about the sacrifices and any lapses that may happen along the way. This needs to be a shared understanding or it will add to stress. Remember stress is bad for you, bad for your partner, and bad for the baby.
Finally use the book for reference; it is after all a handbook to help you along the way. There is a timeline for what might be happening week by week, a list of warning signs if you are worried by anything and details on many of the things that can occur and what they mean. Any time you are unsure refer to it. If something comes up that is not there that you would expect to find then feel free to email me at “BecomingAFather@evison.co.uk”. I cannot promise I will be able to answer every query I receive. If I can answer I will try to do so, if I cannot it will still be valuable feedback for a later edition. Equally, where I do not know an answer, I will try and point you to another way to find out.
Terminology
Less clumsy language
I am going to talk about ‘trying’. By this I mean trying for a baby, trying to conceive, trying to cause conception, or whatever other term is popular amongst the experts at the moment. I am also, occasionally going to refer to you conceiving; clearly what I mean is you managing to make your partner conceive. It is just much easier to talk about managing conception, conceiving and so forth, and simplifies the best way of putting things.
I am going to talk about Sperm and Semen pretty much interchangeably. It should be clear from context which I mean. It is not that I am not aware of the difference (see Glossary) simply that I am using them colloquially for greater understanding. Equally I am going to talk about ‘boy sperm’ and ‘girl sperm’, rather than ‘sperm which if they fertilise the egg will result in a male foetus’ and ‘sperm which if they fertilise the egg will result in a female foetus’. Anything else is much too clumsy.
In the same vein I may well mention you becoming pregnant. This is a great oversimplification and I try to avoid it. There are places where it makes what I am saying easier to understand, so I use it, but always bear in mind you are not the one who is pregnant. It would be difficult to overemphasise this as it is a problem with the way some men think about having a baby. They announce to people ‘we are pregnant’ and so forth, and talk as if they are going through the hard part. Believe me, once you have read the rest of this book you will appreciate that while we have stress, worries, doubts and lifestyle changes to make, we still have the easy bit.
Technical terms
There are some times when the technical term for something makes it easier to explain. When this is the case I use the term, and try to make it a little clearer from context. In case I have failed to make a term clear in this way, I put it in the glossary in the reference section. This keeps the text from getting too cluttered up with explanation. Sorry for using technical language, but this is a guide to the real facts and so, sometimes, there is just no avoiding it.

Why I wrote this book.
I wrote this book because it did not already exist. I wanted a sensible book that told me what I needed to know without jokes, comparisons with a game of football or patronising anecdotes to make me feel I was doing something worthy.
Being a father is a real change, and with falling sperm counts, high pressure jobs and an alcoholic culture, conceiving is a genuine challenge as well as an achievement to make a man proud. Despite this all the books that I could find aimed at men were ashamed of what they were. Those books seemed to try to find excuses for themselves by saying that they were really all about humour. I did not want a book of jokes I wanted to know the facts about what I was going to do and how I could best do it.
While there were a few books that were not too badly laddish, they did not contain the same level of research and reassurances that I found in the books for women. I was faced with literally hundreds of books for the person bearing the baby and none for me trying to help all the way through and to make it happen in the first place. I had to go off and do a lot of research.
I tried everything, from getting the brush off from our family GP and grilling the friendlier midwife, through to reading medical articles and searching the Internet. I read more female books on pregnancy than you can shake a stick at; I went off, I researched and I learned. Having done that, I felt the work should not be wasted, but recycled so that others can benefit from all that I have seen heard read and experienced. Then my partner suggested I write it as a book and this is the result.
I do not claim to be a professor of gynaecology , but if you are trying to conceive without doing all the things that can make it easier then this book is for you. If you have conceived and want to understand what you can do to make things go well, there is information in this book you may want to read. If you are finding it all a strange and confusing mass of expectations which you do not really know how to meet this book may help. Finally if you are an old hand at this sort of thing, and want to understand what you have achieved or pass on advice to those finding it all new and exciting, then the information here may be just what you are looking for. If it is not what you wanted to know, or you have any other tips you think should have been included, please write to me at:
BecomingAFather@evison.co.uk
A journalist wrote, in an article on preparing for fatherhood “Perhaps there are women who feel that, come the big day, their partners were just as prepared as they were. I just don’t happen to have met any of them.’ Given the likely correlation between having an informed partner and having a successful pregnancy culminating with a good experience at the birth I would like to help men to go out their at least as well informed as their partners. Men can make a difference, and I think the time has come that we are ready to do just that.

Acknowledgements
Many thanks to the following who have agreed to read this and provide feedback on what is useful, what is not and anything else they feel like. I will acknowledge in the real thing if it ever happens, but if I list them here it makes emailing it for review much easier and this is just the inside cover so no harm if I am a bit careless re-writing it.
These people have reviewed from three different perspectives and provided feedback that has been and still is essential. They include amongst others a midwife, a nutritionist, a doctor and fathers both actual and potential.
The Reviewers Hall of Fame
James Day, Levon Pettrous-Terzakhian, Howard Meadows, Jane Le Maux, Steve Price, Marilyn Evans, Sam & Ana Mackrill, Adam Renton, David Jessop, Andrew Mckerrel, Murray Morrison Carine Henry, Eliot Marshal, Lindsey O’Donnell
Also thank you to the author of “What not to name your baby” which I included in the cover picture, thank you to Judy our midwife and the Rosie maternity hospital for their help with our child, and finally to my parents who made me possible.

Contents

Introduction 4
Who should read this book 4
How to use the book 6
Terminology 8
Having a baby 13
Making the decision to try. 14
Towards conception 36
A man can make a difference. 36
Nutrition 44
Sex: timing, effectiveness and gender 66
Lifestyle 86
Viagra, IVF and fertility 102
Throughout the pregnancy 109
Pregnancy what a man experiences 109
What to expect while she is pregnant 112
What happens during pregnancy 115
Things you should help with / manage 120
Joint experiences 129
Shopping for the baby 143
The birth 160
Preparation 160
What to expect 161
Afterwards 166
Reference 176
Summary of Nutrient Sources 176
Pregnancy timetable 180
Things that can go wrong 190
Warning signs to watch for. 195
Frequently asked questions 201
Things she must avoid 202
The law and your rights 205
Pregnancy related books and web sites 209
Shops and web sites for baby related shopping 210
Glossary 211
Index 224
Disclaimer 226
Becoming a Father 227